At more than 6 1/2 years out from losing my husband, the above prayer absolutely sums up what I need to journal/write.
This last Christmas was the 7th Christmas without Loren. O, how I struggled with #7. Starting November up through even now I have had a simmering low-degree turmoil about the soon arrival of Anniversary Year #7. I even Googled information about #7. It seems Christianity and most every other Religion finds meaning in 7.
Quote Google Search, “Number 7 is said to be one of 4 numbers that symbolize perfection or completion”. With my experience in the journey of Grief, perfection and completion simply cannot be true.
I certainly have come to a point of generalized rest from unrelenting sorrow. I certainly have arrived at the point of routine….living my (now) sometime-boring life because Loren kept me hopping with activity in every facet of our lives.
I have happy times and sad times, good vs bad times…..
…….the heart-wrenching fact, however, is I no longer have ecstatic moments. As I reminisce over memories since he’s passed…. of grandchildren’s births, traveling, friends, work, family, Holidays and all…I cannot recall ecstatic euphoric moments. As sad as it feels to ponder, I am thinking that will never happen without the thrill that comes from deep love.
And for me, my desire for deep love is still inter-connected with my undying love for Loren.
Lord, help me remember my life will always be a weaving together of good and bad. I know You ordain our steps so I believe You must have me exactly where I am to be.
Her years of college and up through her late 20’s, before marrying in 2018, our daughter Brenna would share her persistence to “Guard Her Heart”. Many times, I heard her quote Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else guard your heart for it is the well-spring of life”. I was pleased to know of her willingness to remain wise and wait to marry the right man…. for, she HAD dated some prior handsome, seemingly awesome, thoughtless toads along the way. Brenna’s daddy used to tell her, “Someday there will be someone who thinks YOU are the BEST thing that’s EVER happened to him. Just wait. He’ll come along some day” (She waited. He did)!
Let’s just say, “I now, experientially, understand Brenna from a single person’s point of view”. I have met someone(s) for coffee or a meal (all men who I prior knew face to face ~ no online stuff). I had told at least one of my adult children what I was doing because I wanted to tell them.…to me, accountability is safety.
Each time, I immediately knew I wasn’t guarding my heart completely. Each time, I almost felt sick to my stomach in dread. I felt torn because it equally felt great to be meeting a man socially over coffee and a meal. Brief companionship and communication with a male brings a nice reprieve.
By most standards, I dated a lot in High School and College. Being young and single made it different. And fun. And natural. And, yes, all the while I was a lively Christian girl who maintained strong morals.
But it’s different now. For me, it does not “feel natural” for a 60 plus year old mother of four, grandmother of eight to date….. (I can’t tell you how PAINFUL it feels to even need to be in a position to have said that….)
Because Loren and I were a couple that talked about many candid things…(you know, “THAT CONVERSATION” that no married couple ever REALLY wants to talk about but maybe EVERY married couple SHOULD really talk about?)…..he and I had discussed and came to an agreement what we would expect of each other should the other one pass away sooner than later.
In earlier blogs I was adamant that I would never be open to finding someone else to share life with.
You might ask where I am at today…….there is not a quick answer because:
I love doing things my own way… being accountable to God and a trusted few.
I wanted to grow old with Loren ‘til I died. Our theme was “come grow old with me…the best is yet to be” (and quite frankly, at 6 years out from his passing, the idea of growing old with someone else, still, is not the LEAST bit appealing…but I know he never would have expected me to remain alone).
I ALSO do not want to be someone else’s PURSE nor do I want to be their NURSE (nor do I expect another man to be my purse or nurse….however, relieving the financial pressures of living alone has its appeal).
I guess “I should NEVER say NEVER” (but I refuse to settle out of desperation…plus, I very much have a relationship of love with my deceased husband).
I think it’d be very difficult to fit into the rhythm of another person’s life at my age. I remember the real challenge when I was just in my early 20’s!
I think I’ll keep my social life to the ladies who enhance my life, make me laugh hysterically, while also bringing sound advice and solid shared life experience to the table.
That sounds like the most prudent way to live… relationally and spiritually.
When my youngest daughter and her husband announced their first pregnancy at our 2020 Thanksgiving Meal, I felt numb. I’m incredibly embarrassed to say I did not show a deep reaction. Naturally I was very happy for them….loving the thought of having another grandchild, however I did not scream in delight nor hop up to give hugs. I just sat in my chair at the dinner table with the family…. asking multiple questions about how my daughter was feeling, the due date etc.
It was later that night, when by myself, that I started questioning, “Am I being a neurotic selfish parent who inadvertently turns the attention on themself?” I was mad that “I hadn’t been the perfect mother who responded in the perfect way”.
By the following day I was able to sort through the emotions. I called my daughter and apologized profusely, feeling very remorseful that their announcement may have felt like a letdown.
I was going to happily become a grandparent again… yet, because I had been down this road before, I knew the sorrow that would accompany the beautiful baby.
Our third grandchild had been born 3 ½ months after Loren’s passing. Loren had known he’d be having his first grandson and he was on Cloud 9 non-stop. He had announced the news on Facebook and to anyone who would listen. We already had two adorable granddaughters…the perfect apples of his eyes. Loren loved babies and children. Simply put, my man was a complete kid magnet.
….Not long after Thanksgiving 2020, another daughter “randomly” dropped by. By this time I had a greater understanding of my less-than-perfect reaction with the first announcement on Thanksgiving.
This time there wasn’t that spell-bound-shock-as-with-me-sitting-at-the-kitchen-table. No, I was sitting in Loren’s recliner in the Master Suite…she in the other recliner when the tsunami of tears hit us. After minutes of blubbering we eventually discussed the excitement of two babies next Christmas.
Hot tears still bubble up quickly when I recall the “Since Loren has died I have”:
Watched two daughters date various men and find their men they chose to settle with
Gave my verbal approval when one young man asked if he could marry our daughter
Walked our daughter down the aisle and gave her away
Sat on the front row, beside the aisle, at two daughter’s weddings, without my spouse
Gained 1 grandson 3 ½ months after Loren passed
Gained 3 grandchildren by marriage
Shortly, I’ll gain a grand baby within days
I’ll then gain another grand baby in August
Maybe…just maybe…one of the new babies will look abit like their grandpa. If so, I’ll be like Loren. I’ll laugh a loud hearty laugh and abrupt water shed may happen in the most inopportune times.
WOULDN’T YOU KNOW!!!!…. the following day after I had rough-drafted this attached blog, one of my daughters had randomly said, “Mom, I hope you know I do not feel you are a burden to us.” I then thought, “O shoot….maybe I should cancel the blog that I am writing…maybe I don’t want my kids to know what I was thinking today.” But, since I knew the blog wasn’t formed from a moment of discouragement…but realism…I made the decision to complete and publish.
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It’s becoming more apparent as time proceeds forward:
As long as I remain single and live at the ranch I can never really live independently.
My definition of “LIVING INDEPENDENTLY”: doing everything myself….on ladders cleaning gutters, applying moss killer on the roofs and later sweeping off the roofs, running the chainsaw to cut fallen trees, never needing to ask my kids to help me do projects or if they can’t do it hiring someone else to do the job.
It’s an odd dance, that is, learning how to give your children their right to live their adult lives as independent agents all-the-while somehow calibrating your life in sync with theirs…..just because you lost your husband… and fervently trying to keep the family property for the next generation.
It could possibly be compared to an unspoken love-hate relationship….hopefully with neither side actually FEELING the love-hate / compassion-resentment potential…. as far as coming to the point of resenting WHY this calibration was needed in the first place.
But let’s be candid and put the cards on the table…brass tacks…rubber meeting the road:
I very much dislike that I even NEED to depend upon my children for ANYTHING other than frequent texts, periodic phone calls, monthly times of brief companionship, seeing the grand kids, and, of course, Holidays and maybe a few trips together every few years.
They may dislike that they even NEED to watch out for me (if Loren was here they’d be counting on their dad and I to do what we always did…mostly without them).
It started way too early in life for me.
It started way too early in their lives (I should’ve been in my 80’s before my kids needed to attempt oversight of any parent).
It’s apparent I can’t live completely independent from my children (this thought is incredibly frustrating… yet quite comforting to me at the same time).
It’s reasonably apparent to assume they will always feel this looming responsibility to take turns watching out for me (I guess the positive side is: they still have one parent to watch out for).
If, for example, I live to be 80 years old…my kids will have had 24 plus years of their adult lives to have felt a responsibility to have had to stay in closer-contact with a parent
Hopefully they realize they should be setting boundaries now… with me and with each other.
If, in the future, I learned that my kids started to resent each otherbecause one or two had to do all of the work or make all of the decisions (other than my designated person(s) for future legal matters), I would feel disappointed and possibly guilty.
Hopefully my children are graciously speaking up now, amongst each other, if they see patterns starting that could bring disruption to their future relationships with each other.
I continuously pray I will be a blessing to my children…where they can look back on these present years and recognize our combined reciprocal generosity with each other… all because Loren’s death forced us to change the prior ebb and flow…now adjusting to another family dynamic.
As for birthing my kids years back…. those stretch marks, varicose veins, and birth pains were worth every bit of it.
My husband was in his mid-50’s when his 2nd parent graduated to Heaven. She was 92, Loren’s father passed years earlier at the age of 83. I’ll never forget the looming silence that lingered around Loren that entire first month as he faced the now-loss of both parents. He hadn’t been as shaken when his father passed….not so when his last parent passed.
“I somehow feel as if I am an orphan”, he had solemnly stated. I then wondered if his 4 siblings felt that way too?
Even though I often feel a great portion of my growth-thru-grief has been a sole effort on my part, I equally acknowledge the monumental role that my children have played towards my continuous learning to spread my wings…to gain some height in the struggling soar.
Today I feel a variety of emotions as I contemplate the approach of the 6th Year Anniversary of Loren’s passing:
Pride……how I’ve became as independent as I am
Melancholy…..that for my own well-being I needed to proceed forward without him
Thankful…..that I’ve managed to remain at the place Loren and I pioneered
Extremely grateful…..that the relationships with each of my children have deepened
Pursuant…..in deeper understanding of God’s loving care for the widow and the fatherless
Relieved……about having faithful friends and family who have stood by my side
It’s my observation and opinion that my adult children have had to equally purpose to spread their wings… to gain height in their struggling soars. Not only were they gaining momentum in their individual lives, THEY additionally HAD TO and STILL HAVE TO KEEP ON:
Balancing their personal lives…now along with a single mom who emotionally and physically needs them more than before
Choosing to not worry about their mom
Developing additional skills of communication with their siblings (when they need another one to step up to share the load)
Facing their own fresh grief(s) of getting married without a father to be a part of their wedding
Facing their own fresh grief(s) of having their father not be a part of their pregnancy, childbirth, welcoming their baby into their family
Comforting their children who miss their grandpa, who are having to learn to experience on-going Holidays and life without him
Explaining death and Heaven to young children who never met their grandpa
With their life partner, experiencing the challenge of learning to be understood…all because they have lived through something life-shattering….
Having the acute awareness that their whole world can change at the drop of a hat
Seeing not everyone is “blessed” to be able to say their lengthy goodbyes and experience gradual-grieving before a parent passes
Enjoying happy times with the whole family….experiencing laughter after the deep sorrow
I still don’t necessarily “like it” but I’ve stopped stealing God’s pen
After having had to set an uncomfortable verbal boundary with a distant neighbor about his unauthorized use of the one-mile-long private driveway to my property, I’ve uneasily been doubting myself…
Twenty-four hours later I found myself speaking these words out-loud to myself as I drove to work, “Julia, you are either becoming a shrewd woman or you are very savvy.”
Now, in my mind that spoken-sentence-to-myself only validated my long-time interpretation of “shrewdness” as an embarrassing-for-me negative trait…with “savviness” being a positive, desirable characteristic.
Since Loren’s death I’ve been forced to speak up in pressurized situations where in the past I would’ve happily welcomed Loren handling the matter…he with his 6’ 3”, 330# stature, built like a Paul Bunyon logger, with his (sometimes) jolly eyes and that impressive (legit) gift of conversing with complete strangers or the few “challenging” country folk who can’t seem to respect other’s and their properties.
……so, today, I Googled the Definitions of Shrewd and Savvy:
SHREWD: “Marked by clever discerning awareness and hard-headed acumen shrewd common sense.”
SAVVY: “Shrewdness and practical knowledge, the ability to make good judgement.”
What in the heck is “acumen”? I Googled that too. ACUMEN: “The ability to make good judgement and quick decisions typically in a particular domain.”
After reading Webster’s Definition of SHREWD I’m willingly adjusting my perception….even thinking I should welcome a further study on “being wise as serpents and innocent as doves” as the Holy Bible speaks of in Matthew 10:16. Ha.
This one situation of necessary boundary-setting wasn’t the first business-type circumstance in the past 5 years….that is, my needing to address matters with men who are not family or friends.
I’m learning a new art: ………………..taking an undesirable behavior…………….addressing it……………….standing strong………………..yet with peace and meekness…………………..staying in the conversation long enough to turn it into a positive good-willed cooperation to ease the situation. So…..
(1) I brought up the topic of his herd (2) I genuinely listened and learned (3) 20 minutes later I ordered 1/4 beef to be delivered next November
Whether I like it or not….. I’m seeing I am in a whole new learning curve. And…. there’s no authentic way around it.
My youngest grandson….I want to become more like him
Awhile back my third child walked into my house….sat down…and in a casual manner said, “Mom, I mean this as a compliment….but, if there’s anyone who could ever be OK living alone….. it’d be you.” WOW! That stopped me in my tracks…but then again, NOT! Being married to a trucker for 37 years had, to some degree, already prepared me.
And then COVID happened. All staff were ordered to stop reporting to the physical location on March 13th. It required creativity and persistence to continue working since I live in a rural area with minimal internet service, which I needed to perform my job.
And now…. 8 months later, I’ve come across a long article, HOW TO BE ALONE, by Sigal Samuel. Samuel discusses both benefits and dangers of being alone, giving examples of those who’ve survived solitary confinement vs those choosing to live as hermits….how some didn’t merely survive but actually grew as individuals.…Sigal also addressing the other people who can barely survive being alone because of past unresolved issues that immediately surface in some adverse settings.
I’ve watched co-workers and family deeply struggle with the social and economic adjustments that COVID has forced upon our state. To a moderate degree I can relate to the social-emotional frustrations although I must be honest and say: “Thankfully, I cannot understand…. completely”.
Since March, I have periodically pondered if something is wrong with me…..even considering that being a widow for five years MAY have prepared me for this…… or maybe just being who I already WAS had helped me adjust quicker to living with “COVID isolation”……
Nonetheless, I believe the following has held true for me. THROUGH MY BEING A WIDOW:
~ I had already learned I needed to maintain a consistent daily routine to counteract depression
~ I had already become used to spending large amounts of time alone
~ I had already become accustomed to not having daily hugs, much personal verbal affirmation and close physical contact with people, unless with my best friends and immediate family
~ I had already learned to watch more TV shows and listen to music for pleasure and companionship
~ I had already realized attending church (in the building) wasn’t the end-all answer for me
~ I had already discovered how a small group of people fulfilled my need for weekly comradeship and Bible Study
~ I had already learned to rely on phone calls, texting, and social networking
~ To manage my stress level, the local morning news was limited to one hour
~ I had already learned a person can teach themselves how to not only survive but to eventually grow in and through daunting times.
~ I had already taken to heart my Primary Physician’s immediate advice after Loren passed, “Julia, be careful that you don’t become a hermit…you could (too easily) do that….”
Other than feeling like I am a muzzled horse walking around in a Sci-Fi movie, I’m thankful I live in a rural community where I’m not forced to daily see hundreds of masked people who look like old-western-movie-robbers casing a place.
Other than my hands becoming chapped and cracked from washing my hands 20x a day at my on-site job (literally), I’m grateful I don’t have to be concerned about multiple family members carrying random germs into my house.
Other than feeling incredibly sympathetic for the parents who suddenly are having to school their children at home, the parents who have either lost their jobs or the parent who has been forced to quit their job so they can school their child at home…… I am flat grateful that I raised my four adult children years ago. Granted, I’d be capable of Home-schooling but our stress levels would be off the charts.
If being a widow actually helped prepare me for life-as-it-is-now I guess I can be thankful.
It was just the other day that it dawned on me, ”I actually feel happy”. This is a glorious-yet-bittersweet landmark for me!
Way before Loren passed unexpectedly, I had well-learned that a person can’t depend upon fickle emotions however for a person’s well-being it’s quite wonderful to enjoy feelings of contentment, pleasure and peace.
I believe my successful steady progression…walking out of heavy grief to this point in my journey….has primarily been because of these:
I still choose to not do careless things on the days I feel lonely….finding alternative ways to occupy my mind and emotions, counting on the next 24 hours being better.
I remain careful to choose who I hang with, clearly understanding that any single woman-who-should-know-better could easily be stupid…the last thing I need is regret.
I hold my friends close to my heart, my children and grandchildren closer yet.
I easily recall the examples of widows-who-have blazed-the-path-before-me.…taking their mistakes to heart.
I choose to be easy on myself….not chastising myself that I choose to not search for another marriage partner.
I continue to give myself permission to never give in to the pressure (from others) of “needing to get over Loren”. Frankly, I like the security of loving him deeply….even when he’s gone.
I purposefully take the stance that I’ll be the person (not another for me) who decides if the wind is shifting me towards opening up my heart to another man.
In addition to the practicalities of my everyday mindset:
I continue to give myself permission to acknowledge that God may not always be (what we humans believe as) “good”.
I give myself permission to not (spiritually) scold myself when my heart periodically feels that God is not good nor perfect in all of His ways.
I believe it’s healthy to “to feel”, as long as I have the clear understanding that my humanness is only fallible perceptions at a given moment….my feelings will not change the Truth of God’s Word.
I am quick to smile and enjoy the content pleasure of the times I can readily agree in my heart that God brings good out of horrible situations.
God’s love for me does not cease just because I am learning to know Him in an entirely foreign way than required before.
LISTEN TO “MY CHRISTMAS PRAYER” performed by BeBe Winans. It may not yet be Christmas but these words will remain my heart’s prayer 365 days a year.
May God’s love rule and reign in my heart and life and may His comfort completely permeate me day and night….year around….ridding the pain that still periodically shadows me.
At 5 years out from becoming a widow, I’ve had much time to look back at my 37 year marriage with Loren……to lovingly reminisce of our happy times, to consider what we could have done differently…..of course, using my now-lenses….these glorious lenses that give me unending hindsight….being able to now-clearly take things at face value….having full opportunity to honestly evaluate the ways I could’ve improved in specific situations. Because Loren cannot speak for himself, I’ll do my best to separate myself from what “he and I” thought… into what I have drawn as my conclusion. Rest assured, it is not disloyal of me to share my insights of marital growth. If the situation were reversed, he equally would be the one happily imparting his personal knowledge of the growth he and I experienced together. He was a born teacher, a born communicator….well-gifted at both.
At age 20, I was not brave enough to seriously evaluate the (few) flaws I saw in our 9 month relationship before we married. Because our love felt very strong and everyone seemed to think we were a great match I (without coercion) willingly turned my head sideways as not to look straight ahead at a few things…..too young to have known those things might later be issues.
Because my brother and Loren’s father were Pastors at our church, Loren and I did not receive pre-marital counseling. We would’ve been very wise to have sought out pre-marital advice from others.
In the late 1970’s and early 1980’s it somehow felt unpopular, certainly unacceptable, to pursue guidance from a Professional….unless you were in dire circumstances.
By year 5, I fell into the downhill trail of avoidance, in other words, it was suddenly feeling too painful to face issues that were presenting themselves. We later talked how we both knew things were awry at that point (we did consult with two separate Pastors two times in the following 20 years).
It was not until the 30th year of our marriage that I decided to pursue counseling for myself. I loved Loren dearly, had read multiple Self-Help and/or Marriage Books, but I knew I wanted more personalized knowledge to gain understanding of myself and our repetitive patterns.
Loren (without coercion of any sort) asked if he could join me in counseling: the best journey we ever took for ourselves and our marriage!!
FROM EXPERIENCE I have learned:
“The easy way out will ultimately not be the easy way out”. In the end it took 7 years of both partners purposefully-and-tearfully targeting key areas in our marriage. We came back stronger than our Honeymoon Years but it was a tenuous uphill climb of constant commitment to participate in deep communication.
“It’s not OK for a couple to be just OK, if you’re doing it out of fear to upset the fruit basket”. This scenario will just end up creating more apprehension which is not physically or emotionally healthy for our well-being.
“There’s a fine line between being a peacemaker vs walking in avoidance”. For me, it took an objective person-counselor to help me sort through which was what in the different scenarios.
“You can love someone deeply and still be afraid to address the improvements that would lead to the path of greater intimacy.”
“If both people in the relationship are committed to sacrificially live toimprove the relationship a heightened connection, camaraderie, love, and devotion will be attained”.
I reaped the rewards of a husband who was willing to climb the scary trail of transparency with me. The end result was worth every ounce of effort put towards loving and understanding “OUR STORY”.
When a person is slammed with a sudden death (for me, the kind where you don’t succeed in trying to revive them with CPR for 20minutes)….it reeled me into an orbit of inwardly challenging every belief I had leaned on. To distant onlookers I appeared as solid and strong. I was borderline angry when multiple people told me, “Julia, you are so strong.” As time passed, I increasingly had awareness of the potential to do surprising-unthinkable-for-me things. Thankfully, I had family and friends for strong physical and emotional support, my sheer stubborn will, many years of experience walking out my Faith, and enough people praying for me to hold me in “a good place” as I walked towards more healing.
Today, I listened to Michael W Smith’s song, SOVEREIGN OVER
US. I think this must be the 500th time
I’ve listened to it in the past five years.
Somehow this song remains to be my mainstay.
The Definition of MAINSTAY is: “a person or thing which something is based or
depended on”.
While listening to the song today (three times in a row, I might add) I immediately reflected on how far I’ve come compared to the emotional status I was in the midst of those first three years of grief.
IT took me the FIRST FIVE YEARS to discover the following (in bold print) and be freshly reminded of things I already experienced (not in bold print):
I was finding God’s strength in the middle of heavy sorrow EVEN WHEN I couldn’trecognize it
God can work even when you do not think He is
It’s OK to not understand “the why” and be OK with never finding the answer
You will not feel abandoned and forsaken forever
God can be with you during your deepest waters and hottest fires
IF YOU search and ask… God gives abilities beyond capabilities
IF YOU want it, there is grace to walk through the mourning
A person can find a level of peace midst upheaval
Eventually a person FEELS the goodness from people and God
It will not feel as if you’re living in a curse forever
Death may not be your friend BUT YOU CAN TEACH IT to NOT be your enemy
IF YOU CHOOSE, you can gain great insight about yourself in/from loss
The death of a loved one does NOT HAVE to propel you into negative behaviors
Heaven DOES come to fight for you….many times
The distance from Heaven to Earth is NOT ALL THAT far apart
You WILL STILL sense your loved one’s presence, even five years later
Their words will OFTEN come back to you
You may even hear the sound of their voice periodically
Laughter returns
New joys can appear in other ways
When the less-frequent (now) grief slams you down it DOESN’T LAST AS long
I’m so grateful I have a Faithful God I trust in. I honestly don’t know how I would’ve managed without.…….
