I actually believe that it is the “people” who NEED us grieving people to “move on” and “heal”.

I’ve heard this verbally. I’ve read it in articles online and in books.

Most certainly….I’ve felt it:

• I’ve felt it in judgement from people who simply hadn’t had the close-up death experience yet. They meant well. They just haven’t had it happen. Yet.
• I’ve felt it from people who HAD lived through a close-up death…BUT, them being around another person with fresher loss took them back to a place that they felt they needed to flee from. I get that too. For their self-care alone they needed to back away and really want me to be how I used to be.

Thankfully, my mentor and counselor did not tell me I had to rush through the healing process. In fact, she encouraged me to take my purposeful time…to carefully grieve and grieve well so I could heal well. My children have been wonderful…letting me take my time. Never pressuring me.

Let’s quit trying to “pretty up” things. When someone dies it is DEATH.

I’ve come to believe that it is not just :

*passing away

*going to a better place

*moving on to a better place

Death certainly is not a pretty word. Someone’s body has ceased functioning. It is the permanent ending of vital processes in a cell or tissue. For those of us who were there when someone’s body quit functioning…when we didn’t run…but stayed with the body… we well understand the literal changes that happened when we waited around for 3-4 hours. Our loved one felt different to the touch and looked abit different after awhile too. I found that to be abit frightening at 4 1/2 hours…about the time when the funeral director arrived at my home.

I completely understand……….. in general……… “people” are uncomfortable being near a person who can cry at the drop of a hat, a person who seems withdrawn or distracted, a person who may seem depressed after a death of a close loved one has happened. Or being around the person who suddenly is doing ape-crazy-out-of-character behaviors …it’s majorly unnerving to watch your friend or loved one spiral from their deep pain.

Let’s back up…let’s not forget you’ll need to do a drastic thing….you have a decision…so your loved one’s body will not continue the crass deterioration process. This is the real ugly pain of the newly grieving person’s life. You simply can’t sweep someone’s death under a rug. Heart breaking decisions must be made. And quickly. Let’s have some sheer hard core mercy for all of the millions of us who’ve had to be a part of a sudden unexpected death…where no prior funeral arrangements had been made by the loved one. The decisions had to be made quickly and most likely while under severe physical shock and emotional pressure. Hopefully, most of us had a strong support system of family and faith connections to give us oversight and strength. I do believe that I will see Loren again in Heaven. As a Christian I believe in eternity. I seriously do not know how a person could cope with loss without belief in Heaven and reuniting with loved ones.

If there is one “beautiful thing” that can result from a death….the positive result can be that the surviving family has motive and opportunity to spend more time together…having developed a greater bond. Yes, even from something so very painful for the entire unit. I have experienced that with my four adult children. Loren would love that his death has brought us closer than before. It’s things like this intensified connection that makes me wish he could glance down from above and check in on us.

Sometime I’ll blog about the word TIME. Time is a packed word. I hadn’t looked at the word as I now do. It’s a topic that lots of us on earth don’t even bother to look at.