At 5 years out from becoming a widow, I’ve had much time to look back at my 37 year marriage with Loren……to lovingly reminisce of our happy times, to consider what we could have done differently…..of course, using my now-lenses….these glorious lenses that give me unending hindsight….being able to now-clearly take things at face value….having full opportunity to honestly evaluate the ways I could’ve improved in specific situations.  Because Loren cannot speak for himself, I’ll do my best to separate myself from what “he and I” thought… into what I have drawn as my conclusion.  Rest assured, it is not disloyal of me to share my insights of marital growth.  If the situation were reversed, he equally would be the one happily imparting his personal knowledge of the growth he and I experienced together.  He was a born teacher, a born communicator….well-gifted at both.

• At age 20, I was not brave enough to seriously evaluate the (few) flaws I saw in our 9 month relationship before we married.  Because our love felt very strong and everyone seemed to think we were a great match  I (without coercion) willingly turned my head sideways as not to look straight ahead at a few things…..too young to have known those things might later be issues.

• Because my brother and Loren’s father were Pastors at our church, Loren and I did not receive pre-marital counseling.  We would’ve been very wise to have sought out pre-marital advice from others.   

• In the late 1970’s and early 1980’s it somehow felt unpopular, certainly unacceptable, to pursue guidance from a Professional….unless you were in dire circumstances.

• By year 5, I fell into the downhill trail of avoidance, in other words, it was suddenly feeling too painful to face issues that were presenting themselves.  We later talked how we both knew things were awry at that point (we did consult with two separate Pastors two times in the following 20 years).

• It was not until the 30^th year of our marriage that I decided to pursue counseling for myself.  I loved Loren dearly, had read multiple Self-Help and/or Marriage Books, but I knew I wanted more personalized knowledge to gain understanding of myself and our repetitive patterns.  

• Loren (without coercion of any sort) asked if he could join me in counseling: the best journey we ever took for ourselves and our marriage!!  

FROM EXPERIENCE I have learned:

• “The easy way out will ultimately not be the easy way out”.  In the end it took 7 years of both partners purposefully-and-tearfully targeting key areas in our marriage.  We came back stronger than our Honeymoon Years but it was a tenuous uphill climb of constant commitment to participate in deep communication.

• “It’s not OK for a couple to be just OK, if you’re doing it out of fear to upset the fruit basket”.  This scenario will just end up creating more apprehension which is not physically or emotionally healthy for our well-being.

• “There’s a fine line between being a peacemaker vs walking in avoidance”.  For me, it took an objective person-counselor to help me sort through which was what in the different scenarios.

• “You can love someone deeply and still be afraid to address the improvements that would lead to the path of greater intimacy.”

• “If both people in the relationship are committed to sacrificially live to improve the relationship a heightened connection, camaraderie, love, and devotion will be attained”.

I reaped the rewards of a husband who was willing to climb the scary trail of transparency with me.  The end result was worth every ounce of effort put towards loving and understanding “OUR STORY”.