WOULDN’T YOU KNOW!!!!…. the following day after I had rough-drafted this attached blog, one of my daughters had randomly said, “Mom, I hope you know I do not feel you are a burden to us.” I then thought, “O shoot….maybe I should cancel the blog that I am writing…maybe I don’t want my kids to know what I was thinking today.” But, since I knew the blog wasn’t formed from a moment of discouragement…but realism…I made the decision to complete and publish.
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It’s becoming more apparent as time proceeds forward:
As long as I remain single and live at the ranch I can never really live independently.
My definition of “LIVING INDEPENDENTLY”: doing everything myself….on ladders cleaning gutters, applying moss killer on the roofs and later sweeping off the roofs, running the chainsaw to cut fallen trees, never needing to ask my kids to help me do projects or if they can’t do it hiring someone else to do the job.
It’s an odd dance, that is, learning how to give your children their right to live their adult lives as independent agents all-the-while somehow calibrating your life in sync with theirs…..just because you lost your husband… and fervently trying to keep the family property for the next generation.
It could possibly be compared to an unspoken love-hate relationship….hopefully with neither side actually FEELING the love-hate / compassion-resentment potential…. as far as coming to the point of resenting WHY this calibration was needed in the first place.
But let’s be candid and put the cards on the table…brass tacks…rubber meeting the road:
- I very much dislike that I even NEED to depend upon my children for ANYTHING other than frequent texts, periodic phone calls, monthly times of brief companionship, seeing the grand kids, and, of course, Holidays and maybe a few trips together every few years.
- They may dislike that they even NEED to watch out for me (if Loren was here they’d be counting on their dad and I to do what we always did…mostly without them).
- It started way too early in life for me.
- It started way too early in their lives (I should’ve been in my 80’s before my kids needed to attempt oversight of any parent).
- It’s apparent I can’t live completely independent from my children (this thought is incredibly frustrating… yet quite comforting to me at the same time).
- It’s reasonably apparent to assume they will always feel this looming responsibility to take turns watching out for me (I guess the positive side is: they still have one parent to watch out for).
- If, for example, I live to be 80 years old…my kids will have had 24 plus years of their adult lives to have felt a responsibility to have had to stay in closer-contact with a parent
- Hopefully they realize they should be setting boundaries now… with me and with each other.
- If, in the future, I learned that my kids started to resent each other because one or two had to do all of the work or make all of the decisions (other than my designated person(s) for future legal matters), I would feel disappointed and possibly guilty.
- Hopefully my children are graciously speaking up now, amongst each other, if they see patterns starting that could bring disruption to their future relationships with each other.
I continuously pray I will be a blessing to my children…where they can look back on these present years and recognize our combined reciprocal generosity with each other… all because Loren’s death forced us to change the prior ebb and flow…now adjusting to another family dynamic.
As for birthing my kids years back…. those stretch marks, varicose veins, and birth pains were worth every bit of it.
I’ve never desired to climb ladders, clean gutters, kill moss… in fact my husband and I agreed he’d do outside and I’d take care of the inside. And, I do good to know which end of a screwdriver to hold! So, a year after his passing and continuing to mourn for him, I’m constantly reminded that every inch of our home, shop, fences, everything is because of my husband’s skills and talents as a carpenter and master craftsman. Before his illness he could do anything, and did.
They say to wait a year before making any big decisions.
Besides all routine maintenance and yard work, the first year the roofs had to be replaced, the dishwasher and 2 water heaters died and I began to wonder, “What’s next!” So, I prayed for God to give me direction and a sign that would affirm my thought of selling our home. In 1971 we built this house with our own hands and raised our family and…so many memories!!
Well, He did!! — In 50 years we have seen almost all native animals on our property but never had to deal with skunks until last year. Two skunk invasions within 5 months and over $1,000 to have them trapped—I got the message loud and clear!
God made it very obvious that I needed to move.
The house is too big. The property, shop and little apartment continuously need attention and caring for the lot and acreage is more than I want to deal with. My daughters work full time with families and busy lives. They help occasionally but, I don’t rely on them. I called a family meeting and told my kids of my decision. That was after Christmas ‘20. As I prayed about it, God gave me a picture of daffodils in bloom.
I chose a realtor and the house sold the first day!!
And, yes, my daffodils were in full bloom. 🙏🌼🙏
Thank you for sharing, Wallie. I know my day will come. When it comes I pray I’ll be able to let go easily…as you did. Julia
Makes me dizzy to think about this, yet I am, same time as you both are dealing with it. Not sure what my answers will be, but I’ve become more aware of late as to the great responsibility to keep a place going, and that my kids already have full lives of their own. They help where they can, rally as needed, and we have family time fairly regularly to just enjoy. But…it’s a reality. It’s my reality. You are wise and brave, Wallie. And you were led by the Spirit. That is what I desire. Thank you for putting into words, both of you, this journey that we are all taking. Thank you for your brave strength, Julia. You are both heroic in my eyes.
Teresa, yes….we are all warriors and ultimately heroes because of the forced-to-rise-to-a-greater-strength than we had ever thought possible. Thank God we have Him to depend upon for guidance. Much love to both you and Wallie, sister widows.
Love your insights & creative style of writing. Reading your blog sharpens me in the empathy department towards those who share your experiences. I appreciate that you are sharing your gift with the rest of us
Danette, Thank you sister.
Like your honesty and frank way of explaining this journey you are on with your family.
Thank you, Donna.