The Widow and ONE CHANGE AT A TIME

Children, Death, Doing New Things, Getting rid of loved ones things, Grief, Grief at 5 Years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Parting with deceased spouse things, Widowhood at 5 years out
I’m not sure when I’ll be able to say goodbye to this hair style and color. It was specifically suited for Loren.

In my brother Dennis Gingerich’s latest blog https://www.dennisgingerich.com/one-sure-thing-you-can-count-on/?fbclid=IwAR1pazGIGnzslyWLwkdZo0GJIpOGzJ0jZCFxBltpEzPOBHYLDCvTPkhRJZk he discusses the topic of CHANGE.  It’s fascinating that I had already been reminiscing of the slow gradual changes I’ve made since Loren passed.

Frankly, in the first 2 years I wanted to freeze time.  It was comforting that Loren’s scent remained on his robe and a few not-yet-washed shirts. I hadn’t yet parted with his clothes or shoes.  Other than reorganizing the closet and his drawers in the bathroom, everything remained precisely the same.

After spending two winters heating the entire house’s water-in-the-floor-radiant heat with an outdoor Wood-fired Furnace (using approximately 6 cords of wood per winter), I knew I’d need to make a change.  The labor was too intensive and walking 30 feet from the house before midnight, no longer having a mate to share the duties, was too much.  By this time I had also decided I would stay at the ranch.  For the sake of taking care of myself physically, I switched to a Propane Heat source using the same radiant heat system. 

Before the 3rd Christmas without Loren I had removed all of his WinCo, casual, dress, and work shirts from the closet.  I pursued a project that would be meaningful.  I had 5 queen size quilts and 6 smaller quilts made for each of my 4 children, myself and the 6 grandchildren.  Out of Loren’s wool sweaters I also had beautiful pillows made, even using his logging suspenders on the pillows.  Many tears were shed while opening their gifts. I imagine those quilts will be the most tender Christmas gifts my family will ever have received from me, in my lifetime.

At the 4 year mark I knew I had to take care of my investment, meaning it was time to re-stain and re-paint the buildings at the ranch.  Instead of Loren lifting me 10-20 feet up in the air while he carefully sat on the large forklift holding me in place (while I stood on a pallet and painted/stained the highest parts of the buildings), I knew my limitations and hired a skilled man to hand stain the 3 buildings.  Just because I was a widow did not excuse me from being a good steward of what God had allowed Loren and I to build.

At this 5 year mark, I have already sold my building in town. I have another hurdle to jump in July.  I took the initiative of asking my kids and grandkids to come out to the ranch on a Saturday.  We will be tackling the job of cleaning out the barn (incidentally, where I fractured both of my elbows in May….I was meandering through the narrow pathways to get to the air compressor).

I must admit there is a level of trepidation in me.  I have watched enough HOARDER TV shows… observing how people who have lost someone dear are the ones who re-visit their deep pain as they watch things leaving a building.

The comfort I cling to, after deciding what will stay, my kids will have first chance to take what they want…..and what they don’t want will either be passed on to specific best friends of Loren’s or be hauled off to recycling that day….now, the next thing to part with will be Loren’s tired commuter car that I’ve been driving….but, I’M. NOT. QUITE. READY. YET.

PRESSING the RELEASE BUTTON and OUR Plans

Buttons, Death, decision making, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Fears and the Widow, Fighting to grow, God's Will, Grief, Grief at 5 Years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widowhood at 5 years out, Widows Managing Finances

I pressed a release button.  It had not been an easy decision to be making by myself. 

I listed a piece of Residential/Commercial property that Loren and I had purchased on Main Street in  beautiful “Timbertown USA” 26 years ago. In the Commercial Storefront, we owned and operated every-guys-dream-business the first 9 years.  After he tired of the walk-in-retail-component, I then moved Julia Wasson Music Studios into that space for 17 years (where I continued teaching voice/piano lessons ~ having just now completed 32 years of private lessons).  Loren and I had also lived in the home the first 7 years while we built our dream at the ranch.  

“If life had remained as Loren and I had dreamed and expected” this property would have been placed on the market the summer of 2015.  Because Loren was going to retire in one year, he wanted me to close the music studio and have more time to play at the end of my workday.  In addition, OUR PLANS were to use a portion of the proceeds of the sale towards building another building at the ranch and  restoring a hot rod that Loren was bent on racing at the drag strip.   

To go back further yet in time, BEFORE WE DECIDED WE WERE GOING TO PURSUE SELLING THE PLACE on Main Street in 2015, we were going to chase our newest diversions by taking out a loan since we had much equity at the ranch.  Approximately 6 months before he unexpectedly passed, we had gone to our locally-owned Bank and filled out an application.  The Loan Officer saw no reason why this wouldn’t be an easy transaction, with our good credit and long-time standing with this Bank. We waited and waited. Lo and behold, 10 days later the Loan Officer/Head Manager of the Bank called… explaining she was shocked how the requested loan was not approved, yet alone with a satisfactory reasonable answer as to why! 

As Loren and I quietly drove to a restaurant later that evening, discussing what our next step might be, I specifically recall saying, “THIS MAKES NO SENSE.…but….God must know something that WE don’t know…. Something must be going to happen that we are unaware of….” 

….Those words that I had then spoken have replayed in my mind multiple and multiples of times since his passing…. 

To get back to the story, SHOULD WE HAVE been approved of that loan, SHOULD WE HAVE built that other building, SHOULD WE HAVE restored that hotrod….. I would NOT have been able to stay at the ranch on my income! 

I am convinced: God sometimes steps in to spare us….sometimes from ourselves….to protect us….to help arrange our ducks for our unknown-to-us-future.   

P.S.  Since my awesome renters, of the home, are moving to another area in Oregon and I no longer want to deal with the pressures of new renters and the ongoing upkeep of another building, I am selling the place. As far as the private teaching goes, I’ll keep giving a few piano/voice lessons.  Just at a different location.

HALF A DECADE of being a WIDOW

Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, How To Help Widows, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New and Seasoned, Widowhood at 5 years out, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Marriage
This picture was taken mere months before he unexpectedly passed
This photo was taken mere months before he unexpectedly passed

This week is a monumental week.  I have been a widow for half a decade now. In the past five years, at varying times, THE FOLLOWING FIVE statements have been spoken to me; not glib words spoken without intent, but presented with interpreted care and strong belief.  These same statements have never left my mind.  I’m now ready to give a “more-seasoned-response” since I’m past the heightened reactions that traveled alongside my raw grief.

“God will ALWAYS bring good out of tragedy”.   

  • “It’s always possible God could ‘bring good’ out of this tragedy but I will never  demand it in my heart because there are millions who have survived far worse situations than mine….and then there’s the fact that  ultimately I feel it’s impossible since ‘my idea of good’ would be for me to be transported back to where Loren and I were ~ that life that we had worked so hard to attain”.
  • “I’m just grateful I have grown to find peace in my adjusted life”.
  • “I continue to make great efforts (Grief Counseling, trusting in the Lord, carefully choosing the people whom have influence in my life) and have found more courage than I would’ve ever thought I could have.”
  • “So, yes, some could argue that ‘good came out of his passing’.”

“Divorce is worse than Death…at least you know where he is!”

  • “I have felt the pain of divorce but only once as a parent and three times as a sibling/in-law.  Even though I wasn’t the one who was physically and emotionally betrayed, our entire family grieved and felt the turmoil from the separations.”
  • “Pain is pain.  Loss is loss.  Each relationship had its own degree of intimacy so I will never belittle the devastation that comes with divorce.”
  • “Whether it be divorce or death you can know that major changes will come a person’s way.”
  • “The only (dare I say it ? ) ‘benefit of a spouse’s death’ vs divorce is that you don’t have to face your Ex in painful social situations, deal with children custody issues, or divide the assets.”

“A person needs a companion. God didn’t intend for people to live alone.”   

  • “It would have never been my desire to be single at 56 years of age.”
  • “I am not afraid to live alone”.
  • “I have a job that I enjoy, I work with people that bring meaning to my life, and I have a network of family and friends who give me love and support.”
  • “Two IS better than one.  However…for ‘two to be better’ a person must team up with the right person.  Many widows/widowers rush to remarry, in desperation from loneliness or fear, and later have regret because they  had not spent the necessary alone time to grieve-it-through-to-completion …and if you don’t ‘work through’ the long, harrowing grieving process you’ll never have a clear mind to analyze a new person, their character, and habits.”
  • “My idea of marriage is not to just have a warm body to lay next to at night.”
  •  “It’s crazy to assume that another marriage would be equally happy or unhappy.”
  • “I’d rather be a widow who lives alone than married and lonely.”

“Don’t wait forever….statistics say if a widow / widower do not remarry within the first three years, the odds greatly increase that you will remain single the rest of your life.”

  • “My first three years of grief were astoundingly difficult… but all of the-great-pain-in-my-world did not drive me in to another man’s arms when I was simply longing to be in Loren’s arms.  Ethically and morally that would’ve been wrong at every level.”
  • “I will never settle.  If that means being alone, so be it.”

“There will never be another Loren and the love you two shared, but you can find another man to love, Julia….the love may feel different but life can be better than it is now.”

  • “As I said earlier, my idea of a complete fulfilling marriage is more than just having a warm body to lay next to at night.”
  • “I’m not sure I want to expend the energy that it took for Loren and I to reach the glorious melding of the heart, spirit, mind and emotions…you know, that point where the ‘two actually DO become one’.  I’m logical enough to know that this doesn’t happen overnight and at times never happens.”

(to be continued at a later date…………..)

5th Anniversary: REGRETS, LESSONS LEARNED, and WAYS I’M PROUD OF MYSELF

Miscellaneous

As I’m fast approaching the 5 Year Anniversary of Loren’s passing, that half decade mark, varying recollections have been free floating through my mind and heart. I must admit there are some regrets, hard lessons learned, and many accomplishments that come to mind.  

My Motto. I’m counting on this

Looking out the back view and side mirrors does wonders.  Hindsight is quite wonderful (here’s my disclaimer) but the few regrets I do have MAY not be 100% applicable to all Widows. In my case, I present my eight “I Wish I Would Have Known’s”:  

  • I would have gotten rid of his piddly (non-personal) things earlier (surprisingly enough, time has not made it any easier to start sorting through his shop. I’m still confused about what stays or goes and I find I do not trust the varied opinions)
  • I would have never paid off a Mortgage within the first two years
  • I would have never paid off bills of 4% interest rate or lower in the first two years
  • I discovered a person cannot project some of the large unexpected financial expenses that will come your way (the saga started within 3 months of his passing. I now look back and shake my head at the odds)
  • I discovered it took a full 2 years to experience the full impact of what it cost me to replace the many things that Loren could do (Labor:  vehicles, equipment repairs, maintenance on property)
  • I learned you’ll need cash monies for hiring Professionals to do the things your husband did (they don’t give discounted rates to Widows)
  • I discovered it took 24 months of the “trickle – down effect” to learn that I could not recreate “the earning power” that Loren had
  • I learned most Widows do not have “the borrowing power” either, by themselves (one example, when my well went dry and it cost me a total of $35k to put in a one mile waterline to successfully be hooked up to Community Water, running to the Bank for a loan was not an option because I had lost my “re-paying power” without his income)

ON A POSITIVE NOTE, THE AREAS WHERE I AM OF PROUD OF MYSELF ARE:

  • I immediately wrote down a “Losing-My-Husbands-Income-Budget” for my monthly expenses
  • I immediately took over the Finances and did not ruin my credit score. Ha.
  • I continued working two jobs even though brain fog and my body screamed NO!
  • I managed two properties, their upkeep and mandatory improvements, and a Business
  • I allowed myself to feel the intense deep pain of losing my husband
  • I found it helped to Journal
  • I kept going to Church (church was the most painful place of all…I would’ve rather stayed home)
  • I went to Grief Share and learned valuable tools for coping with grief (and made new friendships also)
  • I went to private Grief Counseling with a Life Coach/Marriage Counselor
  • I did not gain one pound or lose one pound of weight the first year (per Drs orders)
  • I did not develop horrific habits (other than keeping the TV on non-stop and eating something chocolate every day)
  • I maintained relationships with Loren’s siblings and family
  • I learned to navigate the new art of maintaining friendships
  • Relationships with my four adult children, grandchildren and extended family became a priority  
  • I became self-confident, discovering a man is not a must-have
  • I learned to like being with me, myself, and I

My most recent challenge is dealing with the immediate response that wants to arise in me when I hear, “Julia, just let God be your husband”…to me, that is a loaded concept….let’s just say, “That’ll be another topic for another blog”. Ha.

WIDOW BRAIN and How To HELP the WIDOW WITH It

Death, Fears and the Widow, Grief, grief at 4 years, grief in the workplace, How To Help Widows, Loss, Miscellaneous, New and Seasoned, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships, Widows and their Adult Children, Widows Managing Finances

At first, I thought I was losing it.  Or did I blame it on the shock of Loren’s unexpected death?  Amongst the searing pain with the never-ending adjustments of living without him,  I couldn’t put my finger on it… but how DOES someone identify something they’ve never lived with before…. this foreign symptom….how DOES a person have the where-with-all to even TRY to concentrate enough to process what is happening to them?  who can even verbalize it?….the heart and the body simply hurt too much.

…in complete honesty… I had been laughingly (slight humor remained in me) excusing myself with these two words… especially when with the people I felt safe with….just hoping that others, who didn’t fit in that category, didn’t notice the deficits.

WIDOW.  BRAIN.   Yes, I was an organized person AND I still ~ LEGITIMATELY had “WIDOW BRAIN”:

  • Forgetting to show up to a hair appointment
  • Having the oil changed in one of the cars 2,000 miles TOO EARLY
  • Forgetting to get a monthly venom allergy shot
  • Forgetting how to jump start a vehicle, how to start a generator
  • Inconsistently eating full meals and drinking enough liquid
  • Making out-of-character-for-me errors during Bookkeeping
  • Taking twice as long, at my job and at home, because I knew I needed to double-check all organizational and financial responsibilities for accuracy

PRACTICAL WAYS the Widow can combat her “WIDOW BRAIN”:

  • Keep a “to-do” list in a chosen place where you will often pass by it
  • Create an area where you will have easy access to your combined random notes
  • Write down important thoughts/future events immediately before you forget
  • Carry a Planner (Calendar and Notes) in your purse when you leave the house
  • Use your Calendar App in your cell phone for reminders
  • Every few days, compare your multiple “to-do lists” to make sure they are in sync
  • Journal ideas and insights (they will be few and far between in the 1st year of grief)
  • Get out of bed before 6:30 each morning and eat immediately
  • Be consistent with a new well-rounded routine, 7 days a week

PRACTICAL WAYS the Friends of the Widow can assist her:

  • Lovingly ask if she has eaten today
  • Lovingly ask if she is sleeping at night and taking a short nap each day
  • To jar her memory (per chance she has forgotten appointments) ask if there are scheduled Appointments she needs to be taken to

PRACTICAL WAYS Adult Children of the Widow can assist her:

  •  Per chance she is new to sole financial responsibilities, help her establish her new “Now-Budget and Payment Schedule” on paper
  • Per chance she hasn’t paid bills online before, help her learn to navigate it 
  • Ask about the status of the finances every few weeks and help if needed
  • Continue to assist her until Probate and because-of-death-transitions-and-obligations are completed

I’m just grateful I no longer feel the heavy weight of rocks, as in the picture.

2020 DREAMS and REALITY TRUMPS

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, identifying positive things, Peace should be enough
This image was captured the day after Loren’s Celebration of Life.

In November 2019 I listened to Andy Stanley, an articulate Inspirational Speaker and Pastor. Experientially and logically, I already “understood” what he was sharing but just hadn’t heard someone articulate the words…those already-rumbling-tumbling-inside-of-me-words.  His words resonated in me, deeply.

His exact quotes and question were:  “Some of our dreams simply can’t come true.”  “Life rarely goes as planned.”  “Reality always trumps.”  “What do we do when our dreams CAN’T come true because of people’s choices or circumstances?”  Naturally, at the end of his exhortation, Mr. Stanley then directed us towards trusting in God, our Maker, the One who gives us a Hope for our future.

Way before Loren passed away, turning towards God had been the pattern in my life.  Throughout the years there had been multitudes of disappointments, even a few heartbreaks….sprinkled with many happy moments….many love-filled times…and times that were neither happy or sad….all days of living out life…serving God….raising a family. 

The truth is, eventually we are ALL going to have a job or relationship loss, a heart break, AND a death of a key person in our life. I can guarantee that when it happens, you will not be on your top game for a while (sometimes a long while).…you will be gasping for air periodically….your footing and equilibrium may be lost….you may even wonder who YOU are, no longer recognizing the person you once were….

….and when you can’t “kick and pray yourself out of the upheaval” or “seem to adequately move through a specific situation” you will need to do a higher level of soul and God searching than ever before.

DURING “My-dream-can’t-come-true-because-Loren-passed-away” SORROW,  I have done the following:

  • Carefully look at the situation in its entirety and ask myself if there is more that I need to understand so I can grow and adjust.
  • Along with praying and asking for God’s guidance, formulate an inner plan of what I can do to help myself gain footing.
  • Hold fast to what I believe to be healthy and correct and not listen to random advice from people I don’t trust enough to guide me.

MY most RECENT “Life-Rarely-Goes-As-Planned” ACCEPTANCE has caused me to:

  • Persevere and accept my new normal, even when the sad times crop up periodically.
  • Diligently identify the current positive experiences.
  • Daily voice gratefulness to God.
  • Practice believing that God is in control of my private Universe and not just the World.

On January 1, 2020 my heart is full of gratitude because I have swam through the deep waters.  I have passed through the narrowest dark avenues of the Valley of the Shadow of Death.  I believe I will continue to find more peace, more calm and more restoration after the harsh struggle of deep grief. Thank you, dear friends and family, for standing with me on this journey.

I COULDN’T DO IT EARLIER, CHECKS and Ms. Wasson

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Fighting Grief, Grief, grief at 4 years, grief in the workplace, Holidays and Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous, Navigating the Holidays, Widows Managing Finances

I couldn’t do it earlier, that is, finish the Probate on Loren and the Commercial Business. A long while back, I eagerly approached Probate in stride.  I was finally emotionally and physically ready for the long hefty process.  In fact, I felt great relief as I wrote the final check to the lawyer.

My Ultimate Belief Even When I Don’t Feel It

BUT NOT THIS MONTH. IT’S DECEMBER. I should’ve known by now how the month of December accentuates happy or sad feelings.

Yesterday I went to my pre-arranged appointment with a 3rd Bank.  Since Probate is closed I’ve been advised it’s necessary to close out certain accounts. 

Honestly, at 4 1/2 years out I’m shocked how hot, dripping, searing tears along with physical pain can randomly return so readily….it’s worrisome to not be able to control how my body reacts. Even though I am at work today, I’ll just hope that most adults and children don’t notice my hoarse voice, red swollen eyes and face. It would be quite wonderful if these random crisis-modes would only happen when I’m not with other people.

I’ve decided I will carefully lay away two or three unused “invalid” joint owner checks where his name is above mine.  It doesn’t matter that there will be skipped check numbers on the Bank Statements. In my heart alone, I’ll know why this was purposefully done:  we were a team in business, in sharing finances and in life.  And even though I well know he is not here, a deep place inside of me still holds on to the “joint status”.

I still can’t say goodbye to that.  Quite frankly, I’m not sure I ever will.

To seal the deal, walking down the hallway at work this morning, I suddenly noticed another change:  beneath my Staff Identity Picture someone changed my title to Ms. Wasson. Dagger directly through the heart. I took a photo of it and texted it to Brenna. I won’t even attempt to tell you how many minutes more tears poured.

Christmas is almost here. I know God will keep empowering me. I also know this winter – in – my – heart will soon end…..again.

NOt a NurSe NoR a PuRSe

Dating and Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, grief at 4 years, healthy boundaries, Loss, Miscellaneous, Nurse or Purse, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships, Widows and Marriage, Widows Managing Finances

Absolutely the truth! I have deep sorrow because I will never have a picture of Loren and I holding each other close and dancing at this age.

My Grief Share girlfriends and I often joke how it is our intent to not be a “NURSE or a PURSE “.  We don’t say this out of spite.  For me, these words are out of self-protection and great awareness.

I know this sounds harsh for a widow to say, but the truth is, “There are men out there in the world who are trying to gain from a woman’s loss”.  When my brother in law died I remember hearing Loren warn his sister of those situations.  Two of my eight girlfriends have personally experienced this (Purse) in the past 6 years.  Of course, it could equally be said there are women out there who are happy to gain from a man’s loss.  And yes, I know there are good men in this world…

Should you assume most widows have wads of cash sitting around you are  dead wrong.  The truth is, most of us lost a large percentage of our household income. Even if there might have been life insurance most of us paid off bills with that money.  The circle of widows I hang with do not fit in the category of “Purse”.

When I married Loren at 20 years of age I willingly vowed to love him in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, through happy times and hard times. Not understanding the depth of what all that might entail, both of us fulfilled those vows. Granted, we weren’t always on cloud nine,  but I never lost my sense of commitment towards staying with the man I married, towards working alongside the man I married and enjoying the camaraderie with the man I married.

I was emotionally and devotionally prepared to eventually change his diapers….. whether it be because of illness or old age.  I had loved his body well throughout the years and to care for his future aging-physical-needs would’ve been an honest privilege.

I’ve become quite the people watcher, that is “an-elderly-married-couple-people-watcher”….  I smile as I watch them help each other.  I smile as I watch them communicate with each other, noting how each couple seems to have their own private language.  At 4 ½ years out,  I’m rarely jealous as I watch them.  Honestly, for-the-most-part I feel grateful that my spouse won’t have to physically care for my body as I age.

By now, a variety of people have asked me or said,  “Julia, do you ever think you will remarry?”  “Julia, you deserve to be loved again.” “You are just afraid”.  “I’d feel better knowing you have someone to watch out for you as you get older”. “The love won’t be the same as it was with Loren, there will never be another him, but you can find another love.”

I know I could (quote) “find another person to love”.  I just can’t imagine there ever being another man I’d want to SHARE MY LIFE WITH.  Loren, and our life together, set the bar very high.  Our lives flowed in and out of each other. To live with anything/anyone that would not meet those (dare I say it?)  “expectations / qualifications” would seem like a horrible letdown……plus:

  • I’m not willing to take a relationship risk whereas I was when I was 20.
  • I’ve also learned you don’t really know a person unless you’ve been around them for a few years in multiple life situations so, again, there’s too big of a price (emotionally and for the sake of my kids and grandkids) to take a risk.

Guess I don’t need to worry about becoming someone’s NURSE or PURSE.  Ha.

 

LiViNg Out THE big QUESTION and IT’s FOLLOW THROUGH while FLYING By tHe SeAt of mY pAnTs

decision making, Doing New Things, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, grief at 4 years, How To Help Widows, New Mindsets, unexpected things in life, Widows Managing Finances

In 2016 the Elementary Christmas Concert was cancelled 2x, back to back.   Snow and ice had covered the Willamette Valley. The Elementary School Christmas Concert was finally held AFTER the 2 week Christmas Break!  I was going with the flow….piece of cake to direct-perform with 500 kids who hadn’t rehearsed in 2 weeks. Ha.  Hey, I had survived death.  I knew I could ride it out and I did, because the surprises revolved around music.   But, now the 2019 Holidays are approaching and once more I am starting to recall how those “once-little-things-to-me” now seem to bring higher stress.

Before Loren passed away  I was already making strong progress towards becoming less rigid.  Learning to wing it.  Go with the flow.  Fly by the seat of my pants.  He loved how I had learned to live life well at a moments notice.

Where I’ve now evolved into a “more-eased-person” I’ve EQUALLY discovered DIFFERENT things now bring stressors.   Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised…I’ve been forced to execute life in a new role, so maybe my body and emotions will scream at me in new areas?

  • As of last Thanksgiving, after the meal, I officially resigned from preparing the turkey or ham for future family Holiday meals. Leave me the mashed potatoes, gravy, dressing, sweet potatoes AND a side vegetable but no more main dish!!
  • As of the 2018 Christmas season, I officially resigned from baking the majority of the favorite goodies for our gatherings.  I needed to “share the wealth” and I must say my kids are stepping up to the challenge.
  • (I’m still looking for more ways I can share those duties that moms are expected to do…)

Many times,  I’ve had to ask myself,  “IS  THIS  A  LIFE  OR  A  DEATH  SITUATION?”  (in comparison to my 20 minute attempt to revive him when he died).

IF IT DOESN’T FIT IN THAT   “Is it a life or a death situation”   CATEGORY,  I then:

(1)  determine to give full necessary attention to it (being a good steward of my investment)

(2)  have a few long hard laughs about the irony of the situation (all of the CRAAAZY things happening  AFTER  Loren passed)

(3)  sarcastically saying, “ It’s  ONLY  $ ” (when in reality it’s killing me to pay for it)

(4)  all the while doing my best to de-stress myself and maintain some gratitude for God’s provision and care for me

Frankly, IF I believed in bad luck I’d be saying,  “I’ve had LOTS of  ‘bad luck’  since Loren died”.    But the reality is, things need replacing or repair from normal wear-n-tear & age.

In both September and October 2019, I’ve had to rehearse “The QUESTION and IT’s FOLLOW -THROUGH”:

  • I was without water for 5 days…my underground one mile water line broke (SOMEWHERE between the Community Water hookup/meter along the highway… back to my home… the distance of one mile…up hill…down hill…through the forest…through a field)… Two Businesses / Professionals doing some of the diagnostics and labor…sons doing some of the back breaking labor….with me overseeing all of it plus experiencing some back breaking labor. Job completed.
  • Drip.  Drip.  Drip….then gush,  down my one interior log wall.  Discovering I had deteriorating, torn composite shingles, in one specific valley,  on the 16 year old roof.  Repair possible and completed.
  • The 40 year old Gas Furnace in the rental gave up the ghost. No repair possible because parts were obsolete.  Job completed.
  • The Electric Heat Wall Unit in the studio gave up the ghost. No repair possible.  Job completed.

I’ve actually pondered the validity of moving to a NEW house/property EVERY 10 years….that is, before pesky repairs start to be necessary…  yet that is not a viable option for me, financially or emotionally.  I’ll just keep rehearsing “THE QUESTION and IT’S FOLLOW-THROUGH” and continue practicing the art of flying by the seat of my pants… all while hopefully having a good dose of wisdom.

 

 

FRieNDs and the Widow. God’s Will and Plan B. Chapter 4

Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, God's Will, Grief, grief at 4 years, How To Help Widows, Longevity Marriages, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets, Plan B, Widows and Friendships

Within the past month I’ve listened to two girlfriends voice their concern AND desire…how they are praying and ” NEEDING to know God’s Will ” …. see, they are now single women… one divorce and one death… like me, women who didn’t choose their situation…having to learn to live in an unwelcome situation….who at times vacilate between peace and discontentment, thinking there SURELY must be “a way out” of their present and future unease.

The 1st friend?  I didn’t respond, then…she wouldn’t have appreciated my thought at that moment.  The 2nd friend,  I responded saying,  “How do you KNOW that your life, as it is now, ISN’T His will for you???”   After a lengthy pause she quietly said, “I had never thought of that before”.

 Whether it be a spouse who betrayed you and left the marriage or it be a spouse who was careless in not getting back to the  Dr  sooner-than-later,  ultimately you have the choice to remain  or  NOT  remain under the bitter-filled blanket of blame.

FOR ME,  my “bitter-filled blanket of blame statement”   WAS,   “Loren would be alive today IF he wouldn’t have been SO stubborn….IF he JUST would’ve call the cardiologist or gone to the Emergency  Room when the arrhythmia started up again” (see, at the time of the successful ablation he was told he’d need a pacemaker with a defibrillator IF the arrhythmia ever reoccurred)…..BUT HE had his reasons….HE was GOING to retire from WinCo shortly….HE was GOING to take the chance (of the arrhythmia possibly not being as serious as the cardiologist had told him it would be) so he could get his full pension $$…….now… here’s my opportunity to be angry….if he JUST would’ve gone to the Dr or the E.R. the day before, as I suggested….(he was abit winded but was sure the arrhythmia was temporary and would surely stop….. so I chose to not freak out…. because stress would’ve only made the arrhythmia worse…and, yes, I felt helpless that he didn’t heed my suggestion)..…. and,  THAT same DAY he had told me, “When the arrhythmia is bad enough, Julia,  I’ll LET YOU KNOW” (to take him to the E.R.)… well, surprisingly  he DID  let me know that next morning at  6:37 ….AND after a few brief words with me,  all within 5 seconds,  he collapsed and was immediately unconscious  and very very soon……..   Yep, I had immediately called 911 alright…. And yes,  I DID MY PART (frantically, though steadily,  doing CPR on him for 20 minutes til the EMT’s arrived at 7:05….but that wasn’t enough….they couldn’t revive him….even after the EMT’s took turns working on him for a period of time).

AT what measure is Loren responsible for his passing?    AT what measure is GOD responsible?

I’ve had  four  VERY  NECESSARY  years  to process things:

  • Loren had the physical warning that something serious could be happening
  • He didn’t “have time” to go to the E.R.  and he did NOT want ME calling the ambulance unless HE determined it was “serious enough”
  • God could’ve stopped the arrhythmia
  • God probably doesn’t override a person’s will
  • I don’t blame myself for not overriding his wishes the day before….I didn’t know how bad it really was….IF HE EVEN KNEW,  I’m sure he didn’t want to worry me

As time has progressed and peace has slowly settled over my broken heart and question-filled mind, I’m just now starting to consider:

  • Who says my life as a widow hasn’t become “God’s will” for me?
  • Who says I “must search” for “God’s Will” in an alternative Plan B?
  • Who says that something is wrong when a person chooses to “learn to be OK” in a less than ideal circumstance?