Category Archives: Widowhood at 5 years out

HOW BEING A WIDOW (pOsSiblY) PREPARED ME FOR THE PANDEMIC

Buttons, Covid Pandemic and Widows, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief at 5 Years, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets, Widowhood at 5 years out, Widows and aloneness
My youngest grandson….I want to become more like him

Awhile back my third child walked into my house….sat down…and in a casual manner said, “Mom, I mean this as a compliment….but, if there’s anyone who could ever be OK living alone….. it’d be you.”  WOW!  That stopped me in my tracks…but then again, NOT!  Being married to a trucker for 37 years had, to some degree, already prepared me.

And then COVID happened.  All staff were ordered to stop reporting to the physical location on March 13th.  It required creativity and persistence to continue working since I live in a rural area with minimal internet service, which I needed to perform my job.

And now…. 8 months later, I’ve come across a long article, HOW TO BE ALONE, by Sigal Samuel.  Samuel discusses both benefits and dangers of being alone, giving examples of those who’ve survived solitary confinement vs those choosing to live as hermits….how some didn’t merely survive but actually grew as individuals.…Sigal also addressing the other people who can barely survive being alone  because of past unresolved issues that immediately surface in some adverse settings.

I’ve watched co-workers and family deeply struggle with the social and economic adjustments that COVID has forced upon our state. To a moderate degree I can relate to the social-emotional frustrations although I must be honest and say:  “Thankfully, I cannot understand…. completely”. 

Since March, I have periodically pondered if something is wrong with me…..even considering that being a widow for five years MAY have prepared me for this…… or maybe just being who I already WAS had helped me adjust quicker to living with “COVID isolation”……

Nonetheless, I believe the following has held true for me. THROUGH MY BEING A WIDOW:

~ I had already learned I needed to maintain a consistent daily routine to counteract depression

~ I had already become used to spending large amounts of time alone

~ I had already become accustomed to not having daily hugs, much personal verbal affirmation and close physical contact with people, unless with my best friends and immediate family

~ I had already learned to watch more TV shows and listen to music for pleasure and companionship

~ I had already realized attending church (in the building) wasn’t the end-all answer for me

~ I had already discovered how a small group of people fulfilled my need for weekly comradeship and Bible Study

~ I had already learned to rely on phone calls, texting, and social networking

~ To manage my stress level, the local morning news was limited to one hour

~ I had already learned a person can teach themselves how to not only survive but to eventually grow in and through daunting times.

~ I had already taken to heart my Primary Physician’s immediate advice after Loren passed, “Julia, be careful that you don’t become a hermit…you could (too easily) do that….”

Other than feeling like I am a muzzled horse walking around in a Sci-Fi movie, I’m thankful I live in a rural community where I’m not forced to daily see hundreds of masked people who look like old-western-movie-robbers casing a place.

Other than my hands becoming chapped and cracked from washing my hands 20x a day at my on-site job (literally), I’m grateful I don’t have to be concerned about multiple family members carrying random germs into my house.

Other than feeling incredibly sympathetic for the parents who suddenly are having to school their children at home, the parents who have either lost their jobs or the parent who has been forced to quit their job so they can school their child at home…… I am flat grateful that I raised my four adult children years ago.  Granted, I’d be capable of Home-schooling but our stress levels would be off the charts. 

If being a widow actually helped prepare me for life-as-it-is-now I guess I can be thankful.

The Widow and ONE CHANGE AT A TIME

Children, Death, Doing New Things, Getting rid of loved ones things, Grief, Grief at 5 Years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Parting with deceased spouse things, Widowhood at 5 years out
I’m not sure when I’ll be able to say goodbye to this hair style and color. It was specifically suited for Loren.

In my brother Dennis Gingerich’s latest blog https://www.dennisgingerich.com/one-sure-thing-you-can-count-on/?fbclid=IwAR1pazGIGnzslyWLwkdZo0GJIpOGzJ0jZCFxBltpEzPOBHYLDCvTPkhRJZk he discusses the topic of CHANGE.  It’s fascinating that I had already been reminiscing of the slow gradual changes I’ve made since Loren passed.

Frankly, in the first 2 years I wanted to freeze time.  It was comforting that Loren’s scent remained on his robe and a few not-yet-washed shirts. I hadn’t yet parted with his clothes or shoes.  Other than reorganizing the closet and his drawers in the bathroom, everything remained precisely the same.

After spending two winters heating the entire house’s water-in-the-floor-radiant heat with an outdoor Wood-fired Furnace (using approximately 6 cords of wood per winter), I knew I’d need to make a change.  The labor was too intensive and walking 30 feet from the house before midnight, no longer having a mate to share the duties, was too much.  By this time I had also decided I would stay at the ranch.  For the sake of taking care of myself physically, I switched to a Propane Heat source using the same radiant heat system. 

Before the 3rd Christmas without Loren I had removed all of his WinCo, casual, dress, and work shirts from the closet.  I pursued a project that would be meaningful.  I had 5 queen size quilts and 6 smaller quilts made for each of my 4 children, myself and the 6 grandchildren.  Out of Loren’s wool sweaters I also had beautiful pillows made, even using his logging suspenders on the pillows.  Many tears were shed while opening their gifts. I imagine those quilts will be the most tender Christmas gifts my family will ever have received from me, in my lifetime.

At the 4 year mark I knew I had to take care of my investment, meaning it was time to re-stain and re-paint the buildings at the ranch.  Instead of Loren lifting me 10-20 feet up in the air while he carefully sat on the large forklift holding me in place (while I stood on a pallet and painted/stained the highest parts of the buildings), I knew my limitations and hired a skilled man to hand stain the 3 buildings.  Just because I was a widow did not excuse me from being a good steward of what God had allowed Loren and I to build.

At this 5 year mark, I have already sold my building in town. I have another hurdle to jump in July.  I took the initiative of asking my kids and grandkids to come out to the ranch on a Saturday.  We will be tackling the job of cleaning out the barn (incidentally, where I fractured both of my elbows in May….I was meandering through the narrow pathways to get to the air compressor).

I must admit there is a level of trepidation in me.  I have watched enough HOARDER TV shows… observing how people who have lost someone dear are the ones who re-visit their deep pain as they watch things leaving a building.

The comfort I cling to, after deciding what will stay, my kids will have first chance to take what they want…..and what they don’t want will either be passed on to specific best friends of Loren’s or be hauled off to recycling that day….now, the next thing to part with will be Loren’s tired commuter car that I’ve been driving….but, I’M. NOT. QUITE. READY. YET.

PRESSING the RELEASE BUTTON and OUR Plans

Buttons, Death, decision making, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Fears and the Widow, Fighting to grow, God's Will, Grief, Grief at 5 Years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widowhood at 5 years out, Widows Managing Finances

I pressed a release button.  It had not been an easy decision to be making by myself. 

I listed a piece of Residential/Commercial property that Loren and I had purchased on Main Street in  beautiful “Timbertown USA” 26 years ago. In the Commercial Storefront, we owned and operated every-guys-dream-business the first 9 years.  After he tired of the walk-in-retail-component, I then moved Julia Wasson Music Studios into that space for 17 years (where I continued teaching voice/piano lessons ~ having just now completed 32 years of private lessons).  Loren and I had also lived in the home the first 7 years while we built our dream at the ranch.  

“If life had remained as Loren and I had dreamed and expected” this property would have been placed on the market the summer of 2015.  Because Loren was going to retire in one year, he wanted me to close the music studio and have more time to play at the end of my workday.  In addition, OUR PLANS were to use a portion of the proceeds of the sale towards building another building at the ranch and  restoring a hot rod that Loren was bent on racing at the drag strip.   

To go back further yet in time, BEFORE WE DECIDED WE WERE GOING TO PURSUE SELLING THE PLACE on Main Street in 2015, we were going to chase our newest diversions by taking out a loan since we had much equity at the ranch.  Approximately 6 months before he unexpectedly passed, we had gone to our locally-owned Bank and filled out an application.  The Loan Officer saw no reason why this wouldn’t be an easy transaction, with our good credit and long-time standing with this Bank. We waited and waited. Lo and behold, 10 days later the Loan Officer/Head Manager of the Bank called… explaining she was shocked how the requested loan was not approved, yet alone with a satisfactory reasonable answer as to why! 

As Loren and I quietly drove to a restaurant later that evening, discussing what our next step might be, I specifically recall saying, “THIS MAKES NO SENSE.…but….God must know something that WE don’t know…. Something must be going to happen that we are unaware of….” 

….Those words that I had then spoken have replayed in my mind multiple and multiples of times since his passing…. 

To get back to the story, SHOULD WE HAVE been approved of that loan, SHOULD WE HAVE built that other building, SHOULD WE HAVE restored that hotrod….. I would NOT have been able to stay at the ranch on my income! 

I am convinced: God sometimes steps in to spare us….sometimes from ourselves….to protect us….to help arrange our ducks for our unknown-to-us-future.   

P.S.  Since my awesome renters, of the home, are moving to another area in Oregon and I no longer want to deal with the pressures of new renters and the ongoing upkeep of another building, I am selling the place. As far as the private teaching goes, I’ll keep giving a few piano/voice lessons.  Just at a different location.

HALF A DECADE of being a WIDOW

Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, How To Help Widows, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New and Seasoned, Widowhood at 5 years out, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Marriage
This picture was taken mere months before he unexpectedly passed
This photo was taken mere months before he unexpectedly passed

This week is a monumental week.  I have been a widow for half a decade now. In the past five years, at varying times, THE FOLLOWING FIVE statements have been spoken to me; not glib words spoken without intent, but presented with interpreted care and strong belief.  These same statements have never left my mind.  I’m now ready to give a “more-seasoned-response” since I’m past the heightened reactions that traveled alongside my raw grief.

“God will ALWAYS bring good out of tragedy”.   

  • “It’s always possible God could ‘bring good’ out of this tragedy but I will never  demand it in my heart because there are millions who have survived far worse situations than mine….and then there’s the fact that  ultimately I feel it’s impossible since ‘my idea of good’ would be for me to be transported back to where Loren and I were ~ that life that we had worked so hard to attain”.
  • “I’m just grateful I have grown to find peace in my adjusted life”.
  • “I continue to make great efforts (Grief Counseling, trusting in the Lord, carefully choosing the people whom have influence in my life) and have found more courage than I would’ve ever thought I could have.”
  • “So, yes, some could argue that ‘good came out of his passing’.”

“Divorce is worse than Death…at least you know where he is!”

  • “I have felt the pain of divorce but only once as a parent and three times as a sibling/in-law.  Even though I wasn’t the one who was physically and emotionally betrayed, our entire family grieved and felt the turmoil from the separations.”
  • “Pain is pain.  Loss is loss.  Each relationship had its own degree of intimacy so I will never belittle the devastation that comes with divorce.”
  • “Whether it be divorce or death you can know that major changes will come a person’s way.”
  • “The only (dare I say it ? ) ‘benefit of a spouse’s death’ vs divorce is that you don’t have to face your Ex in painful social situations, deal with children custody issues, or divide the assets.”

“A person needs a companion. God didn’t intend for people to live alone.”   

  • “It would have never been my desire to be single at 56 years of age.”
  • “I am not afraid to live alone”.
  • “I have a job that I enjoy, I work with people that bring meaning to my life, and I have a network of family and friends who give me love and support.”
  • “Two IS better than one.  However…for ‘two to be better’ a person must team up with the right person.  Many widows/widowers rush to remarry, in desperation from loneliness or fear, and later have regret because they  had not spent the necessary alone time to grieve-it-through-to-completion …and if you don’t ‘work through’ the long, harrowing grieving process you’ll never have a clear mind to analyze a new person, their character, and habits.”
  • “My idea of marriage is not to just have a warm body to lay next to at night.”
  •  “It’s crazy to assume that another marriage would be equally happy or unhappy.”
  • “I’d rather be a widow who lives alone than married and lonely.”

“Don’t wait forever….statistics say if a widow / widower do not remarry within the first three years, the odds greatly increase that you will remain single the rest of your life.”

  • “My first three years of grief were astoundingly difficult… but all of the-great-pain-in-my-world did not drive me in to another man’s arms when I was simply longing to be in Loren’s arms.  Ethically and morally that would’ve been wrong at every level.”
  • “I will never settle.  If that means being alone, so be it.”

“There will never be another Loren and the love you two shared, but you can find another man to love, Julia….the love may feel different but life can be better than it is now.”

  • “As I said earlier, my idea of a complete fulfilling marriage is more than just having a warm body to lay next to at night.”
  • “I’m not sure I want to expend the energy that it took for Loren and I to reach the glorious melding of the heart, spirit, mind and emotions…you know, that point where the ‘two actually DO become one’.  I’m logical enough to know that this doesn’t happen overnight and at times never happens.”

(to be continued at a later date…………..)