Tag Archives: Widows and their Adult Children

Seven Things I Would’ve Never Known Before

Miscellaneous, ,

Around a week ago a TV show eluded to the topic of “I would’ve never known if it hadn’t happened to me”. A spark lit in me…it was time to look at that closer.

And then today, a friend/prayer partner of my aged Mother came to see her after her Heart Attack…… while I walked this visitor to the door to let him exit, yet one more time I embraced the aspect of the “you’ll never really understand if you haven’t lived through it”. See, I had asked this gentleman about his pursuit of personal healing from the many severe (real) hardships he had faced during the time period of his (multiple) tours and the Vietnam War.

My story is very different than his yet I could immediately connect dots as to how our journeys could be deemed comparable.

BACK TO THE SEVEN THINGS I WOULD’VE NEVER KNOWN:

  • I would’ve never known that the death of your husband DOESN’T automatically stop the (any) insecurities/(any) misunderstandings you may have felt in that relationship while he was alive.
  • I would’ve never known that your adult children equally will face any misunderstandings they had had with their father….even with him being gone (unless they want to bury the issues with alcohol, drugs or a vice).
  • I would’ve never known that our emotional responses caused by past distressing events want to continue forward…..
  • I would’ve never known the need to work on understanding what had happened (the beautiful and the ugly of the relationship…and even the trauma in his sudden passing and me not being able to revive him in the 20 minutes of CPR)..so I could come to a (both) logical and emotional resolve.
  • I would’ve never understood how powerful the conscious memory and the unconscious memory are.
  • I would’ve never known that Marriage really does connect two people…marriage is more than a ceremony and a license. It’s like God miraculously took the two, created a recipe that suited them both, stirred up the batter and baked them into a unified unit.
  • I would’ve never known or remotely imagined the searing pain from the tearing, ripping and long-time bruising that comes from losing 1/2 of yourself. Only the True Physician can help you go through the process of surgery, recovery and healing.

AND I’m still on the ongoing journey towards completeness. That shouldn’t be a shock though. I started that journey around 10 years before Loren passed. 🙂

And I like myself….grief journey and all. “And, Julia, quit being upset at yourself when you feel the heavy wave slam you unexpectedly. It may always be this way. Learn to be OK with it and remember how your tears will help relieve any tension from grief. Ride the wave”.

WIDOWS and Their ADULT CHILDREN. Chapter 2.

Children, Christian Widows, Daughter MIssing Father at Wedding, Daughters Losing their Fathers, Death, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, friendships, Grandchildren, Grief, Holidays and Grief, Honoring Your Deceased Spouse, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, Widows and their Adult Children

My husband was in his mid-50’s when his 2nd parent graduated to Heaven.  She was 92, Loren’s father passed years earlier at the age of 83.  I’ll never forget the looming silence that lingered around Loren that entire first month as he faced the now-loss of both parents. He hadn’t been as shaken when his father passed….not so when his last parent passed.

“I somehow feel as if I am an orphan”, he had solemnly stated. I then wondered if his 4 siblings felt that way too?

Even though I often feel a great portion of my growth-thru-grief has been a sole effort on my part, I equally acknowledge the monumental role that my children have played towards my continuous learning to spread my wings…to gain some height in the struggling soar.

Today I feel a variety of emotions as I contemplate the approach of the 6th Year Anniversary of Loren’s passing:

  • Pride……how I’ve became as independent as I am
  • Melancholy…..that for my own well-being I needed to proceed forward without him
  • Thankful…..that I’ve managed to remain at the place Loren and I pioneered
  • Extremely grateful…..that the relationships with each of my children have deepened
  • Pursuant…..in deeper understanding of God’s loving care for the widow and the fatherless
  • Relieved……about having faithful friends and family who have stood by my side

It’s my observation and opinion that my adult children have had to equally purpose to spread their wings… to gain height in their struggling soars. Not only were they gaining momentum in their individual  lives, THEY additionally HAD TO and STILL HAVE TO KEEP ON:

  • Balancing their personal lives…now along with a single mom who emotionally and physically needs them more than before
  • Choosing to not worry about their mom
  • Developing additional skills of communication with their siblings (when they need another one to step up to share the load)
  • Facing their own fresh grief(s) of getting married without a father to be a part of their wedding
  • Facing their own fresh grief(s) of having their father not be a part of their pregnancy, childbirth, welcoming their baby into their family
  • Comforting their children who miss their grandpa, who are having to learn to experience on-going Holidays and life without him
  • Explaining death and Heaven to young children who never met their grandpa
  • With their life partner, experiencing the challenge of learning to be understood…all because they have lived through something life-shattering….
  • Having the acute awareness that their whole world can change at the drop of a hat
  • Seeing not everyone is “blessed” to be able to say their lengthy goodbyes and experience gradual-grieving before a parent passes
  • Enjoying happy times with the whole family….experiencing laughter after the deep sorrow

…….to be continued……..