Sometimes I talk to myself. Definitely not out of insanity….but it’s from a place of positivity while encouraging myself. I’m confident it’s a healthy thing to remind myself that Good Things will continue to come my way and I can look forward to more!

Just last week another widow and I were surprisingly caught up in an unexpected conversation as we stood at a Track Meet…..cautiously yet candidly somehow discussing the issue of “Labeling”.

Oxford Languages defines “labeling” as:

“Assign to a category, especially inaccurately or restrictively”.

Labeling can lead on to stereotyping. “To stereotype is to have a fixed, overgeneralized belief about a particular group of people”.

Our conversation even stepped forward into our experiences of living out our deceased husbands being labeled because of the ways their passing occurred. We went on to share our now-personal-awareness of our deceased husband’s seeming-to-be-judged-by-others.

LABELS SUCH AS:

*poor guy…he was in the wrong place at the wrong time *dare-devil guy…he should’ve known better than to have been that careless *unfortunate guy to have gotten cancer *stupid guy to not have gone to the Dr sooner when the bleeding started *sorry guy who should’ve done more to have fought his depression earlier *stubborn guy who should’ve listened to his wife and gone to the ER immediately *very unlucky guy who did everything right but nature still ran its natural course *selfish guy who put himself first and wasn’t thinking how his addictions could affect his (sure-to-be) widow and his children *the irresponsible guy who wouldn’t take the Drs instructions seriously *one-lucky-guy who lived a long rich life and was surely blessed by God to have lived this life. …………….this recent discussion of labeling needs to be processed within me……it’s just now that I’m feeling that the (possible) “judgements” of your husband’s death and how it happened….maybe…quite maybe….is something to be really looked at….for some widows and families….it’s possible they can live under a longer blanket of doom from the loved one’s death if their support system and society in general doesn’t work on eliminating stigmas.

The other widow, I might add a “new widow” into the comparison of my now status as a 10-year-out-widow, ….she and I both concluded that what we need is:

• a simple “I’m so sorry about your loss”
• “I’m sorry that you’re having to now live through this major adjustment”
• “He will never be forgotten”

Those comments are often appreciated and enough. Sometimes questions are NOT OK…especially if you’re not in our inner circle or part of our existing support system. If you knew our husbands, tell us a thoughtful story and let us know you’ll never forget them.

So, yes…..part of my “success” of getting through the dark valley of the shadow ….is because I had worked and still work on positive reinforcement to myself. I’m thankful for the many tools available to help everyone live……daily….one step at a time.

25-35 plus years ago I was a professional musician who was hired to sing and play organ/piano for Funerals and Memorials. Mostly hired for services of people whom I had never known. After every service I’d cry while driving home to my family. The looks of those who were the obvious family of the loved ones left an imprint on my mind.

After Loren’s passing my grief counselor of 3 years (and now my rowing partner) advised me to not allow myself to grieve when “the grief wasn’t mine to carry”. That counsel was given so I would wisely choose who I immerse myself in to….and let myself soundly heal my own greatest losses….Loren and my dad.

Since Loren has passed I’ve done quite well to deeply care and acknowledge the loss of: my young piano/voice student, my Pastor, three uncles, one dear sister-in-law, one nephew, one first cousin, a neighbor’s husband. All of these people were important to me. With genuine care for my friends and their family….while living out the art of guarding my heart…I have managed to not carry these griefs as if they were mine to carry.

This topic of “guarding my heart and not carrying the griefs from every loss” came to me this past week. Some of my tribe have serious health situations, the kind where 2025 could bring more deep sorrow.

I did not bother to make a New Years Resolution. If I HAD chosen to make one it would have been something like this,

“I don’t want there to be anything new. I hate change. I know 2025 may bring loss and grief for our family. Let 2025 be just like 2024…let my loved ones lives remain just the same as they were in 2024 and our activities with each other remain the same”.

…..and what is with the picture? Sometimes I swear I can randomly feel myself hugging Loren or my dad hugging me. I’ve never studied the world of energy….if that picture holds any truth. I can tell you, however, this picture makes me smile, laugh and sometimes cry out of sheer joy.

At what point does an adult woman listen to her adult children when the adult children have varying opinions? After Loren died, I updated my Will. I used our Lawyer again….again choosing to write a Will vs setting up a Trust. I ultimately was thinking of my child who is the assigned Executor. The Lawyer had pointed out how some Trusts have the potential to be troublesome after my future passing if any of my four children didn’t agree with my assigned Executor as to the time of when to sell property and the assets.

When I was in my early 20’s….just recently married to Loren who had his own Trucking Company operating out of McMinnville…my dad unexpectedly-to-me-at-least sold the grass seed farm I grew up on. Both of my brothers were called into the Ministry by that time…my dad could not run a large farm by himself. When Del Smith of Evergreen Helicopters came along and offered to buy the farm…my dad sold the place and moved out of the Hopewell area. I undoubtedly was heartbroken when he sold it. I was very attached to the house I had grown up in and loved the many acres that I had rode my horses on. You could say I had a love relationship with the area and the land. I grieved but I knew my boundaries and respected my dads decision.

At this point, I’m gearing up to put the property on the market. It can’t happen yet. Necessary projects must be done in Spring 2025.

I hurt for two of my four children. Two of the four are emotionally tied to the property and home that Loren and I have pioneered. The other two care about the property but have not had the emotional struggle about the proposed change. I would like nothing more than those two or all four of the kids buy the property and I move on to a smaller home elsewhere. I’m sure you all can think of many options for me to downsize…the land be kept..and the four kids keep it in the family. Many of those options have been discussed amongst us but at this point it’s still looking like I will sell the property to the public and leave.

This is yet one more time that I dislike being the person who has to make the big decision. Someone has to ….it falls on me while I am alive.

Boy, I feel sorry for the Principals, Superintendents, CEO’s, Head Pastors, Owners of Businesses who have multiple employees. I only feel sorry because the weight of decision-making often falls on them unless they have a Board of Directors to give extra guidance.

I guess you could say my Tax Accountant, CPA of multiple years is on my Board of Directors. The other key people have passed away.

This morning I visited my brother’s church NEW HORIZONS in McMinnville, Oregon. The founding Pastor, my brother, Galen Gingerich, challenged me.

1. God wants to awaken us to the things that may be holding us back
2. At some point we must move forward and not get stuck
3. Expect that in your life there will be greater liberation after moving forward

The timing of the sermon was beautiful.

I can attest that I did become stuck after the desperate grief ended. Making a forward move did not become natural…especially without my life partner. For 37 years I was used to making forward movements with another person…not by my self.

After my newest blog, “I’m Going To Need To Become Just Like Him”, my other brother, Pastor Dennis Gingerich, from Florida, sent me a confirming text. Quote Dennis, “I have found that a big decision is really just a series of many mini – decisions over a period of time. In other words, it is a process, and you have been doing a great job at the process of navigating this lengthy journey. I’m very confident that God will give you clarity in the details and the timing”.

In my process, TODAY….I feel afraid. I feel hesitant. I feel unsure of the newly-found understanding of why I need to move towards leaving what-was-once our haven.

At this point, there is no excitement or sense of adventure as I look towards a change.

For varying reasons, the pursuit of change revolves around necessity. I guess I should be very thankful that I didn’t have to start this journey 9 years ago… as some widows must instantly do. As I recall the hours spent hours of mowing the lawns and fields or sitting on the decks midst the forest…even overlooking the snow laden trees out my large windows throughout my beautiful home…I’m flushed with the knowledge that I’ve been gifted with 9 years of relishing in rich memory, recall, and history. That is a gift.

Onward. March. Forward he goes. Too young to recognize possible dangers …this brave grandson is not strangled with the fears from sometimes-paralyzing-adult logic.

I’ve always smiled at this picture of my (now) 8 1/2 year old grandson. His vibrant personality shines through still. I’m 56 years older than him and once again I’m reminding myself that I need to be more like him as I’m gearing up to make a huge life change.

I’m making mental and physical steps towards selling and leaving the home and property that Loren and I pioneered, built and enjoyed. This move will be bigger than my selling the business property and closing out a business after his death. This move will mean parting with some personal and farm things. Basically down-sizing, foremostly because I’m feeling my age…plus I don’t want to be so tied down.

Since 2015 I’ve known that this upcoming point in time could be very grievous and painful with Loren having passed away and making a move alone. Until March 2024, when I was in Florida at my brother’s place, I still could not look straight in to the eyes of moving and down-sizing. When flying home to Oregon in early April… I realized the potential of physical freedom that I could feel by not having the property and its duties dictating what I must do.

From the day that Loren passed there’s been his huge void in doing repairs, upkeep, and also his guidance and input in making the big seasonal decisions in management. I thankfully have had my own logic with knowledge and have had people I could hire to assist me….friends of Loren who knew his methods and approach towards decisions.

To review….on my Birthday in late April I made the decision that enough is enough. Even though my four children have always given me their blessing and freedoms to do what I see best, it was in April that I received definite confirmations from two of them that now seems a good time for me to stop:

• stop physically wearing myself out with the huge amounts of upkeep on the buildings and land
• stop tapping in to future retirement monies to maintain the land that, now without Loren selling and custom-milling his milled lumber, no longer brings in consistent annual income.
• stop hoping that I’d be able to one day be able to produce a farm supplemental income ….what he had produced with his skilled milling and knowledge of wood.
• facing the facts that the possibilities of future raising live stock will never again be a desired way of life for me.
• facing the fact that working full-time and trying to keep up with the 12 hours of weekly mowing and spraying required becomes less easy each year.
• facing the truth that my cherished joy of living on the property has drastically decreased in the past few years.
• facing the truth that I went two years without riding the trails in the forested area (that speaks volumes!) Riding the trails only brought frustration…reminding me of the urgent and future projects I needed to hop to.

MAYBE my slowness to look-at-leaving-the-ranch was more than just dreading the heightened layer of grief that I’d face once more. Maybe it was:

• accepting the truth that I no longer have the energy I did 30 years ago or even 3 years ago

I definitely know this farm girl will find it exceedingly hard to no longer live on a property where I can’t see any other property from my house, where I’ve been able to 100% control my surroundings. I’ve loved the privacy.

God help me! I’m going to joyfully need to become just like the picture of my young grandson.

In Earth Years our four adult children, their spouses, and our grandchildren will very soon be gathering to celebrate Loren’s 10th-Year-in-Heaven-Birthday (..his 70th Birthday in Earth Years). This will be the 10th Remembrance-of-Him-on-his-Birthday. At his upcoming party we will (as always) be eating his favorite cake and his favorite ice cream…and I’m sure his favorite foods for the meal. The 10th year of celebrating his Birthday without him carries bittersweet-ness. I’ve learned by now to accept the heart twinges.

To continue the topic of TIME, this abbreviated version of Scripture from the Holy Bible is speaking to me more than ever:

Eccleacstics 3: 1-8 “To everything there is a season. A time to be born. A time to die. A time to plant..etc….kill, heal, break down, build up, weep, laugh, mourn, dance, cast away stones, embrace, refrain from embracing….A time to get, to lose, to keep, to cast away, to rend, to sew, to keep silence, to speak, to love, to hate, a time of war, a time of peace.”

Loren and I were both familiar with this passage. We both grew up hearing and memorizing these Scriptures at church. Back to the TIME of year 2015…. On the one hour drive to the graveyard to bury my uncle, Loren excitedly told me about the TIME he spent discussing TIME with the preacher at the meal after the Funeral. Loren told me he had never clearly seen how God had created EARTHLY TIME specifically for Humans….how Humans NEEDED a measurement of TIME…whereas God doesn’t….God has lived in eternity and had lived in the absence of TIME. It was at Creation where God set TIME into motion…”on the first day God created…on the second day God created…”.

In Earth Years, weeks later my brother Dennis was once again flying to Oregon. This TIME for Loren’s Memorial Service. Dennis spoke about Loren’s “TIME CONVERSATION” with the Pastor at my uncle’s Funeral. This felt like a current evaluation of Loren’s spiritual interest.

9 years later, I STILL REALLY LIKE TIME MEASUREMENTS in Earth Years. The thought of living in Eternity without a gauge:

1. It scatters me emotionally.
   • I use TIME for getting to work on TIME
   • Getting to church on TIME
   • TIME to play piano in the worship set
   • TIME to sit and listen to the Pastor speak
   • TIME to mow the lawn every week
   • TIME to watch my favorite TV shows
   • TIME to take my medications
   • TIME for grand kids to come visit
2. I like TIME MANAGEMENT.
3. Most days I live by my Planner.
4. My Planner helps me feel like I have control in a world where I felt like all order and control was lost for the first few years.
5. Without a spouse to help navigate the world of necessary order of scheduling repairs and maintenance I depend upon Planners.

I know Eternity in Heaven with Jesus has a presented ambiance of peace, joy and relaxation.

Lord, is it OK for me to be transparent and say that I hope there’s far more to Eternity in Heaven than continuous worship and ongoing reunions?

In addition, ongoing “Eternal Rest” is not enticing…at least at this phase in my Earth Years here on Earth. People who are cut from the same cloth will understand this. 🙂

I’ve enjoyed a life of purpose here on earth. I lived in purpose as a single young woman. I lived in purpose as a married woman. I now choose to live a life of purpose as a once-again-single but-definitely-older woman. Who knows, maybe the day will come when the Eternal Rest idea sounds amazing!? Maybe I’ll be thrilled to give up the comforts of TIME?

On the same day, 20 minutes apart from each other, at the same graveyard, one unopened plot in between the two open graves, the contained remains of two of the most important men in my life were lowered into the ground. This happened as our extended family gathered around the opened ground on the sopping wet. Their deaths had occurred at separate times…but the family chose to do the burials at the same time since all of my siblings could be in Oregon at that time.

My two brothers, the sons of my father, officiated the services for dad and Loren.

Just weeks before Loren suddenly passed, my dads brother passed quickly while on his yard tractor. It was at my uncle’s funeral that Loren became fascinated with the topic of TIME. The preacher had, of course, read the expected Ecclesiastes Chapter 3: verses 1 – 8, and 11. It was when the Preacher took off into an expounded sidetrack of TIME that Loren was, dare I say, Spellbound. Loren was so intrigued about the Preachers exhortation on time that he spoke with him during the food and fellowship time after the service. Loren immediately wanted to tell me about his interest on our 1 1/2 hour drive to the graveyard where my uncle’s graveside service would be held.

At 2am early this morning I went to Facebook. One of my daughter had posted videos of the dreary rainy day when my dad and Loren were buried. Listening to my brother Dennis revived my memory and limited understanding of TIME, as presented at two services 5 week apart.

I actually believe that it is the “people” who NEED us grieving people to “move on” and “heal”.

I’ve heard this verbally. I’ve read it in articles online and in books.

Most certainly….I’ve felt it:

• I’ve felt it in judgement from people who simply hadn’t had the close-up death experience yet. They meant well. They just haven’t had it happen. Yet.
• I’ve felt it from people who HAD lived through a close-up death…BUT, them being around another person with fresher loss took them back to a place that they felt they needed to flee from. I get that too. For their self-care alone they needed to back away and really want me to be how I used to be.

Thankfully, my mentor and counselor did not tell me I had to rush through the healing process. In fact, she encouraged me to take my purposeful time…to carefully grieve and grieve well so I could heal well. My children have been wonderful…letting me take my time. Never pressuring me.

Let’s quit trying to “pretty up” things. When someone dies it is DEATH.

I’ve come to believe that it is not just :

*passing away

*going to a better place

*moving on to a better place

Death certainly is not a pretty word. Someone’s body has ceased functioning. It is the permanent ending of vital processes in a cell or tissue. For those of us who were there when someone’s body quit functioning…when we didn’t run…but stayed with the body… we well understand the literal changes that happened when we waited around for 3-4 hours. Our loved one felt different to the touch and looked abit different after awhile too. I found that to be abit frightening at 4 1/2 hours…about the time when the funeral director arrived at my home.

I completely understand……….. in general……… “people” are uncomfortable being near a person who can cry at the drop of a hat, a person who seems withdrawn or distracted, a person who may seem depressed after a death of a close loved one has happened. Or being around the person who suddenly is doing ape-crazy-out-of-character behaviors …it’s majorly unnerving to watch your friend or loved one spiral from their deep pain.

Let’s back up…let’s not forget you’ll need to do a drastic thing….you have a decision…so your loved one’s body will not continue the crass deterioration process. This is the real ugly pain of the newly grieving person’s life. You simply can’t sweep someone’s death under a rug. Heart breaking decisions must be made. And quickly. Let’s have some sheer hard core mercy for all of the millions of us who’ve had to be a part of a sudden unexpected death…where no prior funeral arrangements had been made by the loved one. The decisions had to be made quickly and most likely while under severe physical shock and emotional pressure. Hopefully, most of us had a strong support system of family and faith connections to give us oversight and strength. I do believe that I will see Loren again in Heaven. As a Christian I believe in eternity. I seriously do not know how a person could cope with loss without belief in Heaven and reuniting with loved ones.

If there is one “beautiful thing” that can result from a death….the positive result can be that the surviving family has motive and opportunity to spend more time together…having developed a greater bond. Yes, even from something so very painful for the entire unit. I have experienced that with my four adult children. Loren would love that his death has brought us closer than before. It’s things like this intensified connection that makes me wish he could glance down from above and check in on us.

Sometime I’ll blog about the word TIME. Time is a packed word. I hadn’t looked at the word as I now do. It’s a topic that lots of us on earth don’t even bother to look at.

I’ve known I need to blog more. Some of you have asked me where the new blogs are. One of you actually asked my sister why I wasn’t blogging more. When I sit down to blog I am either distracted by normal cares and responsibilites that a single person has …OR….I feel I don’t have enough time to articulate what I want to say. Things of actual importance. To try to articulate the growth that I’ve made as I walked (still walking out of, actually) through that deep ol’ valley of death.

If you saw me in the grocery store or any public place you’d be assured that I am “completely healed”. By this time….most of you NEED ME to be “healed”. I mean no ill by saying that….I honestly believe it’s a societal expectation that someone somewhere set…with time limitations as to when the grieving process of a very beloved spouse should be over.

In reality, for the most part…I think I’m quite healed…but with some definite battle scars. It’s almost 9 years. I can tell you that I did the work. I felt the pain honestly without severe vices other than chocolate. I still feel pain once in a while. I’ll always love Loren. There’s noone else to replace him. Yet I’ve grown. For survival sake and for my well-being it’s been an absolute necessity to walk through vs choosing to stay inside the whirlwind of deep grief.

• I’ve discovered a normalcy that works for me.
• I still find myself having to periodically review the commitments I’ve made to others…I still find myself over committing. I haven’t quite learned that innate balance of watching out for myself…in that way, as Loren did for me. He’d always catch it before I did. I miss him.
• Yes, I have “dated” a few guys….my definition of dating meaning : meeting someone for lunch or dinner and then realizing that that there was nothing more…just enough to satisfy the curiosity of that person…just hoping to find a buddy…if nothing else.
• Yes, I still live on and manage the farm. Within the last month I’ve had a new nudge to be open to selling it and making a change. I still expect the change to be so very hard, because generations of connection and family are in that family property….ideally one of my children would buy it…at the moment it’s not looking that way.
• But I know, ultimately it’s about what works best for me as it equally does towards my children who have their own lives. I’m tired of being tired and being a slave to the duties that come with property.
• I still work full-time and still teach my piano and voice students in addition to the other job. I’m old enough to retire by now..but I’m not ready to give up my daily contact with kids and coworkers at my job.
• As I am sitting in a room in my brother’s house…3,000 plus miles away from Oregon….a reminder of the clearer picture that keeps unfolding is this:

Everytime I go on a little vacation. Everytime I take a trip….I feel free. It’s like I find another piece of me. It’s a degree of independence that enlarges. Yes, Loren and the memories travel in my heart with me. Memories of him are not confined to the home that we built together. I can live a single life in a new degree of fullness and I very much like it. I’m in a heightened state of discovery right now. I love this Julia.

We can talk about this more at a later time…gotta go.