Tag Archives: widowhood

Seven Things I Would’ve Never Known Before

Miscellaneous, ,

Around a week ago a TV show eluded to the topic of “I would’ve never known if it hadn’t happened to me”. A spark lit in me…it was time to look at that closer.

And then today, a friend/prayer partner of my aged Mother came to see her after her Heart Attack…… while I walked this visitor to the door to let him exit, yet one more time I embraced the aspect of the “you’ll never really understand if you haven’t lived through it”. See, I had asked this gentleman about his pursuit of personal healing from the many severe (real) hardships he had faced during the time period of his (multiple) tours and the Vietnam War.

My story is very different than his yet I could immediately connect dots as to how our journeys could be deemed comparable.

BACK TO THE SEVEN THINGS I WOULD’VE NEVER KNOWN:

  • I would’ve never known that the death of your husband DOESN’T automatically stop the (any) insecurities/(any) misunderstandings you may have felt in that relationship while he was alive.
  • I would’ve never known that your adult children equally will face any misunderstandings they had had with their father….even with him being gone (unless they want to bury the issues with alcohol, drugs or a vice).
  • I would’ve never known that our emotional responses caused by past distressing events want to continue forward…..
  • I would’ve never known the need to work on understanding what had happened (the beautiful and the ugly of the relationship…and even the trauma in his sudden passing and me not being able to revive him in the 20 minutes of CPR)..so I could come to a (both) logical and emotional resolve.
  • I would’ve never understood how powerful the conscious memory and the unconscious memory are.
  • I would’ve never known that Marriage really does connect two people…marriage is more than a ceremony and a license. It’s like God miraculously took the two, created a recipe that suited them both, stirred up the batter and baked them into a unified unit.
  • I would’ve never known or remotely imagined the searing pain from the tearing, ripping and long-time bruising that comes from losing 1/2 of yourself. Only the True Physician can help you go through the process of surgery, recovery and healing.

AND I’m still on the ongoing journey towards completeness. That shouldn’t be a shock though. I started that journey around 10 years before Loren passed. 🙂

And I like myself….grief journey and all. “And, Julia, quit being upset at yourself when you feel the heavy wave slam you unexpectedly. It may always be this way. Learn to be OK with it and remember how your tears will help relieve any tension from grief. Ride the wave”.

God, Why Can’t I “FEEL” The Way I Used To?

Death, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

This inaugural blog was posted April 9, 2016 on my brother Dennis Gingerich’s blog. I’m grateful he invited me to share my thoughts after my husband passed away.  Not only is writing therapeutic for me, I’m trusting my words prompt a new appreciation for your loved ones.

When my husband unexepectedly passed away at 7:15 a.m. in our master bedroom with me by his side, one year ago March 2015, I went into “work mode”.  Having worked for a public school for 15 years I’ve been trained in First Aid/ CPR.  Every 3 years I have to practice CPR on a dummy or “live dummy” (co-worker).  Every year I have to watch a video of CPR being given.

WassonSo, that morning when my husband dropped and quit breathing I instinctively knew to call 911 and to immediately start CPR since it’s a good 10 minute drive to my house.  I didn’t allow myself the privilege of watching the clock because I knew every minute, even second, counted.  Life and death counted.

When the Fire Chief/EMT later exited the bedroom pronouncing him deceased, my “life saving mode” was still in gear.  I shook my head, saying, “Yes, I know he’s gone.  I watched him breathe his last breath and I felt my hands crushing into his chest…an unresponsive chest.”

When I could go kneel beside his body and then pull back the white blanket to see his face again, the first words that exploded out of my mouth and heart were, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!   This JUST isn’t right!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO….this just isn’t right!”

Those 5 words were the first words that left my lips the moment my world stopped.  That morning when Loren and my world stopped spinning, TOGETHER, that is.  That is the morning when my FEELINGS stopped feeling.  That is the morning when God even protected me from the actual pain I was feeling, that is the degree of physical pain I was feeling…..

ONE YEAR LATER I have come to appreciate that protection of SHOCK.  Naturally I cried.  I wept.  I screamed at God.  I could barely eat.  I could barely sleep.  I was so weak I could barely stand in the shower on the morning of his memorial service.

When someone would come up to hug me I would find myself falling forward into their arms.  THEY were hugging me.  Not me hugging them.  I couldn’t feel God’s love towards me any longer.  I couldn’t feel any sort of Lovingkindness or Mercy from our Lord, the God I have worshipped.  But I COULD feel the embrace of a human being.  That embrace was God’s arms extended to me.  That alone was what I needed.  I no longer had my husband’s arms of love and protection.

This image was captured the day after Loren's Celebration of Life.
This image was captured the day after Loren’s Celebration of Life.

Here I am, ONE YEAR LATER…..and  I am seeing there is a price to pay for embracing feelings again.  To welcome my soul back to life, out of the barrenness that I have lived in this past year, means I am waking up inside.  I am feeling much happiness and more normalcy but it’s just now that I’m feeling such heart rendering, gut wrenching, knife in my stomach, feeling like I’m going to pass out because I can’t catch my breath…PAIN of the loss.   For every bit of happiness I’m feeling, I’m equally feeling physical pain when rush of grief hits me.

But I am confident I’m on the way to renewal.  I’m not moving “on” (I very much dislike that phrase). But, I most definitely am moving forward.  So for today, God, I pray that you help me learn to walk this unrequested walk of widowhood.  Gently guide me towards balanced healthiness in all areas of my life.  God, you know my physical body.  You know what I can handle and what I cannot handle.  So if it means gradually waking me up inside I embrace your tender wisdom because You are my Maker and You will complete the healing that You have started.

Question:  Do you have a time when you felt God wasn’t present in your life? I’d love to hear about it in the comment section below.