I dedicate this weeks blog in memory of my husband who passed away 16 months ago today.  Loren loved the herds of elk that meander through our property.  He was a true outdoors-man. Forever in our hearts.  As the song says, “So close, so close but yet so far……”

TERROR  OR  ADVENTURE?

Thankfully I have one super-close friend, Cindy, who is my age.  We’re only close because we share a life experience. I can describe every nitty, gritty detail of how much I miss Loren. She misses her husband like I miss mine.  See, her husband died unexpectedly also, 2 years back.  We’ve both been told multiple times, “You’re too young to be widows”.  We agree.  But we’re not God and we don’t have the power to change life and it’s circumstances.

We’re both discombobulated at times.  Things like her water pump going out on her fish pond.  After replacing the second pump she still had to order a third pump!  Things like my well going dry.  Things like having to bring the water line one mile to hook up to community water and the decisions of purchasing which booster pump and where to place it.  Are we capable with others wise advice?  Absolutely.  Are we still very nervous that we’re not making a wise decision?  Absolutely.  See, both of us were in marriages where we talked things out with our husbands.  We were sounding boards for each other.

It’s scary if I think too far ahead.  Whereas I used to love dreaming with Loren.  Dreaming about his soon-to-be retirement years, those times seeming full of promise and adventure. I so loved the idea of growing old with him.

He and I were known for packing our bags for one day or a weekend, with no particular place in mind.  We just knew we were heading out.  I can’t begin to tell you HOW MUCH FUN we had on those jaunts!

I felt more courageous on some jaunts because we were together. When he’d take off on some back gravel road with a map, a gun, bottled water, a few snacks, and blankets for warmth, I still had this underlying sense of fear because of the “what if’s”.  The night we hiked up and down the streets of downtown Seattle at midnight scared me.  I felt safe with the large, strong man who was packing.  But there still were the hoodlums hanging out in the dark corners that I was worried about.

I am still grieving the loss of Loren and the loss of adventure with him.  I imagine I will until the day I die.

But Cindy and I dream of going to Disneyland together.  Brianne, Brenna, and I (hopefully Jasmine & Jasper, too) dream of going on an Alaskan cruise together.  Brenna and I are making plans to go on a Holy Land trip.  And I’m hopeful there will be more Disneyland trips with the granddaughters and Brianne.

“So Lord, help me gain a new mindset.  Help me learn to experience life as it is now.  I know You are always with me. The scripture says we are never alone, but quite frankly that knowledge, even TRUTH, is not enough. I need something TANGIBLE. Thank you for friends and family during the times of terror and adventure.  Amen.”

As I merge closer to healthiness as a grieving widow, there are times I’m concerned how I can feel happy / even content and moments later be triggered into a deep, heavy sorrow.  Happiness.  Torrents of tears.  And, the interests I once loved are now close to gone.  Who am I now?……other than the obvious widow, mother, grandmother, daughter, sister, and friend?

It’s a good thing I’ve counseled with my counselor Mary and participated in GRIEF SHARE,  a program designed for people who have lost loved ones.  I’ve learned I’m not odd.  Depending on the relationship, this is the journey we may walk……………………………….

If I had not been participating in counseling and GRIEF SHARE I would’ve thought I was “losing it”.

THINGS LIKE…..

• Losing my ability to remain focused.
• Losing my ability to memorize facts and lyrics.
• Losing my ability to put energy into necessary projects.
• Losing my ability to watch TV shows or listen to music Loren & I once loved.
• Losing my ability to continue hobbies that Loren & I once enjoyed.

However, I AM GAINING…….

• A heightened level of compassion for other’s who are experiencing loss.
• A heightened level of  love and desire for my family.
• An intense interest in Heaven, studying more scriptures about eternity with our Lord.
• S L O W L Y  gaining the ability to worship my Lord without focusing on my loss.
• New friendships with other widows and ladies with loss.

For myself, for my sanity, for my wholeness as a person, I need there to be more gains than losses!  Because everywhere I look, everywhere I go, I still face the loss of him.  My heart and senses desperately know this loss.

But once in awhile I see glimpses of Julia.  I can’t say it’s a new Julia.  It may well be the Julia who I was when I met Loren 39 years ago July 18, 1977.  She was a confident musician.  She loved living on the farm.  She loved the solace of the outdoors.  See, the day I met Loren I was not looking to be in a relationship.  I was looking forward to attending Portland Bible College  the following month.  I was excited about the new spiritual growth I had gained when attending college in Harrisonburg, VA months earlier.  As a college age girl, this Julia had hope for a future.  This Julia had faith God was leading her.

“So, yes God, I do feel like two people.  Someone who will forever be marked, labeled, and proudly identified in my heart as the widow of Loren.  Someone who dreadfully misses her husband. Yet, if I believe in the God whom I serve, surely I must come to a steadfast acknowledgment that God is in control….?  This would mean I need to accept there must be a purpose for my life as it is now.  Lord, help me right now because I feel so disjointed.  Amen.”

Life holds surprises.  An unsuspecting health issue arose out of no-where…Just when I thought I was becoming familiar with the “new normal”.

Grief took 2nd seat when my physical body went into full crisis mode a few weeks back.  When I was diagnosed with a partial bowel obstruction.  Grief once again took 2nd seat when I was later told the obstruction had increased in size.   When the Dr’s performed an emergency exploratory surgery.  When they found a mass near the obstruction.  When a bowel resection was done.  Grief still took a 2nd seat as I waited 3 days for results of the biopsy.  When the words “clean / benign” were said.  I was not grieving.  I was living in a state of calm.

On the 13th day in the hospital I started feeling better.  It was on that same 13th day that the tears returned.  When the sorrow of the loss of my husband returned.  Feeling the grief that he had not come to see me in the hospital.   He had not called me or texted me.   He was never there with me….at least consciously he wasn’t.

On the 14th day I cried more.  Cried in relief that my 4 children had not lost yet another parent.  Cried in relief that my young grandchildren had not lost their grandma.  Cried in relief that my extended family had not lost one more family member.

Grief is back in 1st seat, 2 weeks after the emergency surgery…6 days after being released from the hospital.  The roller coaster ride of grief has thrown me right back to where I was before,  months back.  Any level of peace I had felt is gone.  I’m feeling edgy that I’m alone.  I’m feeling dissatisfied with my life.  Nothing is bringing a deep peace.  Not even my close widow friends.  Not even my extended family.  Not even my worship to my Lord.

The only thing that brings a high level of peace is being with my children and grandchildren.   It’s with them that I see Loren.  It’s with them that I feel Loren!   In Brianne, I see his eyes…his ability to laugh quickly and hard…and his gift of good conversation.   In Jasper, I see his walk…his movement and thought processes as he works at the ranch running chainsaw and working in the shop….his zeal for a hobby/interest.   In Jasmine, I see his drive and that ability to laugh quickly….the ability to visit with any person, a necessary skill when working with the public.  In Brenna, I see his compassion for children…to hug them and hold them tightly….to sit quietly and patiently, waiting if it takes me awhile to express what I’m thinking and feeling.

While thinking of our 4 children I can smile.  I can feel happy.   Knowing I have present joy  with my kids brings me great hope.  Hope for my future.

“Dear Lord,  I’m so grateful for the children Loren and I have together.  They will always be our children.  They truly are a life saver for me right now.  Let this deep reoccurring passage of grief be yet one more reminder that life is short.  Your Word says our days are numbered.  Don’t ever let us take each other for granted.  Amen.  “

My new blog on growing thru grief will be launched on Monday, July 11, 2016. I hope you’ll join me on my journey!

Julia