MEN WHO KEEP THEIR WORD

Miscellaneous

Wouldn’t you know!  Just when the snow and ice is here, my 4×4 Expedition decides to act up!  But, Dan Burman to the rescue!  At Loren’s memorial service he had sobbed and told me, “If there’s anything you ever need ~ you know I’ll help you out.”  In 20 months this is the first time I’ve needed his assistance with a vehicle.   Dan is a man of his word.

Loren was a man of his word.  If he told someone he’d do something for them he followed through. Granted, he was known to over-extend himself (over commit himself) but he’d follow through.  He believed in the “handshake rule”….man to man.

I feel greatly blessed.  For the Dan Burman’s.  The Marvin Lux’s.  It’s a rarity that I need their assistance but I feel great comfort knowing they’ll respond immediately since I am not a lady who “cries wolf”.

Even though I like to believe I am Miss Independent the truth is I am not. I wish I could be. Being alone is showing me how much I do know at the same time magnifying the areas where I have close to none or -0-  expertise.

Today my heart is full of comfort.  I am not stranded, even if I’m snowed in.  Sometimes I think God lets us need others.   And I’m learning to be OK with that.

I’M MOVING and PROMISES

Death, Faith in God, Family, Grief, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

You could say I had been FROZEN.

Then I was STUCK.

SPEAKING OF STUCK………that makes me think a few years back when Loren and I, out of sheer necessity, were cleaning out a 2 1/2 feet deep water, silt-filled, mucky culvert in the back 40.  We each had shovels and knee high rubber boots on.  Well, we long ago learned to never go into a creek-line together, especially near a culvert,  so the other could pull ‘em out if needed.  Well, I sank in silt-mud up to my knees.  I was caught.  Loren yanked on me from the edge.  Neither boot of mine would budge.  We were laughing hysterically. Using his shovel, he tried to create pockets of air around my feet.  I was still stuck.  He cautiously stuck one foot on the edge of the creek-line to gain some leverage.  He started to sink.  He became stuck too. Our shovels were basically useless other than good handles to lean on. With much deliberate effort, we slid our feet out of our rubber boots and then crawled out of the muck. We were in wet, thick mud up to our elbows,  entire legs and bellies.  We never Sheridan-20121009-00096could retrieve my one stuck boot until the following summer after the water receded.

SOME MAY SAY I AM STILL STUCK because:

  • At 20 months-out-to- the-day, I’m still very much in love with my deceased husband. My heart is with him.
  • I love my life living in the home we built and shared.
  • I have no desire to change my residence or the memories that surround me at the ranch.
  • I’m not looking for another life with anyone else.

 

But, I SAY I AM MOVING FORWARD because:

  • I have found meaningful friendships. There is a lessened void.
  • I can now immerse myself in Biblical devotions and apply Truths without dwelling on grief.
  • I can now drive to church on Sunday mornings without the hot, flowing tears.
  • I can now eat in a restaurant by myself without feeling severe loneliness.
  • I no longer cringe when I hear the words “widow” and “single”. I AM those two words and I AM “OK” with it.  To refuse those labels would be a form of denial.  I feel it is my job to face this portion of my life head-on.  To live through it.  To live it out and learn to be content in it.  Whether I like it or not, I’ve been thrown into a new season.

Furthermore the truth is, every one of us will at some point in our life face a deep level of despair.   Every one of us will at some point feel like our world has fallen apart.  Every one of us will at some point question God’s goodness.  God never promised us a rose garden.  But, God does promise He will be with us.

“So, God, I’m thankful I’m no longer frozen.  I’m even thankful I can feel pain. I’m more thankful I’m not running from being alone and loneliness.  Thank you for the journey of contentment.  I thank You for helping me discover new things about myself.  Amen. “

WIDOWS and BOUNDARIES and REPORTED FREE SEX

Miscellaneous

Don’t read this blog if you’re not brave. I’ve always believed in tasteful candor.

About month #4 into my widowhood a well-respected Pastor’s wife and friend, from a larger church in Salem, talked with me.  Sharing how too many Christian widows end up using alcohol in excess and participate in free sex, as a way to replace the love and fulfillment they felt with their husbands.  I was not offended in her warning, but carefully listened to this beautiful lady because I have utmost respect for her, knowing she would never have flippantly told me this.

I appreciated her candid knowledge.  I needed to have been warned. I had been accustomed to much physical touch and intimacy in my marriage.

At 19 months into widowhood, let’s just say, “I GET IT”.  I really get it.  I don’t need the alcohol to make me feel better, but the residing question is, “How do I channel the extra nurturing compassion that I have, the extra attention and effort that I had put towards my husband and our marriage”?

Out of my close- knit circle of single Christian women friends, there are some who have been widowed for a good while, having made a few proven bad choices along their journey. We listen to their stories and try to absorb their red flag warnings. Then there are some of us who are holding out, not being able to imagine that another man, as great as our husbands, would ever enter our lives.  Some are wanting a husband, snap your fingers…right now.

But, out of my circle of close friends, WE ALL AGREE, we should be responsible  to not assert the healthy behavior we used with our husbands on to other men, out of marriage.  See, we were used to receiving attention on a daily basis.

So, I say, “SHAME ON YOU, if you’re a man who readily runs into an available situation with a widow:

  • Shame on you if you have taken advantage of a widow who is trying to inadvertently replace her husband.
  • Because there are widows who feel lost.
  • Because there are widows who are floundering emotionally and financially.
  • Because there are widows who miss the strength of a man’s mere presence.”

 

And I readily and happily say, “THANK YOU to the men whom I regularly associate with:

  • Thank you to those men who are responsible.  Who aren’t afraid to briefly visit with me and provide basic friendship.
  • Thank you to those men who trust me, knowing I won’t be inappropriate, knowing I respect the marriage covenant they share with their wives.
  • Thank you to those men who  provide safe boundaries so that I may also maintain my set boundaries. 
  • Thank you, because I as a Christian widow need men such as you.”

Last but not least, please don’t be afraid of widows.  We are not piranha’s.  But, we are our own breed.  Forced to survive and hopefully flourish.  Choosing to serve God.

LEARNING TO THINK “I”, GROWING THRU GRIEF and BEING THANKFUL

Miscellaneous

LEARNING TO THINK “me, myself and I” has been the 2nd hardest thing I’ve ever done so far in this lifetime.  As a child I was raised to function in the family structure.  I’d developed into an adult person who gave importance to “we”.  Yet, I’m more than aware there are some who view “me, myself and I” as a desired, happy place.  A place of independence, a place of personal achievement, a place to have conquered life without the support of a permanent mate……….  well, I can’t say I’m at “that place”.  I enjoyed marriage with Loren and the structure it provided.

But, being catapulted into singleness has:

  • Caused me to acknowledge I can get by as a single person although
    Another change is coming! Fall, my favorite time of the year.
    Happy Thanksgiving, friends.  Praying you enjoy your loved ones.

    this  would never have been my first choice.

  • Put me in a position to feel inescapable loneliness.
  • Forced me to learn to occupy my time with new things.
  • Made me realize all the more how much I did depend upon and need my husband. A person just doesn’t realize how much “the two had become one” until you lose them. 

But, today I bear a banner saying “All will be well”.  Today I bear an attitude of gratefulness.  Today I bear a heart of thankfulness that I am blessed.  And I am growing. 

I am growing because:

  • I’ve decided I can do this! Millions upon millions of people have lived unrequested single lives and existed in a godly, responsible, meaningful way.
  • Even though I am alone and constantly aware of it, I’m finding my will power plays a role in helping overcome loneliness in public settings.
  • I’m finally entertaining the mindset of being open to pursue new hobbies ~ new activities that may be different than the activities that Loren and I did as a couple.

“So, God…..keep giving me wisdom.  The scripture tells me You give wisdom to those who ask and since I ask on a regular basis, and stand beneath Your covering, that puts me beneath the open pipeline for a bucket  of wisdom to dump itself all over me.”

Happy Thanksgiving friends!  I’m blessed to have Loren & my 4 children and spouses, 6 grandchildren, my parents and siblings and their families, and my wonderful girlfriends Lorri, Eileen, Donna, Cindy, Kate, and the other ladies whom I’ve grown to love from Grief Share, along with Loren’s siblings and their families whom I love.  I am not alone.

MISSING THE GUYS, ALONE-NESS, and RESPECTING OTHER MARRIAGES

Faith in God, Family, Grief, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

I miss hanging with Loren at the coffee shop.  I miss hanging with him while he’s talking with buddies about repairing quads, finding car or farm equipment parts, or solving the world’s problems. I miss hanging with Loren while we run into Skyberg Hardware to purchase farm supplies. I miss the drivers and dispatchers from Winco.  I knew some of them and their wives for 30 years. I miss the life of big equipment and trucks.  The list goes on.  But sometimes life’s circumstances insist we adjust……

1. ACCEPTING THE NECESSARY CHANGE OF MALE FRIENDSHIPS

99% of Loren’s male friends are married men who are concerned for my well-being.  Non-the-less, the dynamics of our relationships have dramatically changed. 

And the change HAD to happen. It’s all about wisdom.  Reciprocation.  Honoring another man and his wife.  Honoring their relationship and never doing anything to impede on that marriage’s well-being.   I would expect the same if the situations were reversed.  See, I’ve long witnessed needy single women hanging on to solid married men.

So, I now sit on the other side of the restaurant when I go in to Coyote Joe’s.  I often wave and say hi to the guys but no longer sit amongst a group of 6 – 10 men. Periodically one or two might give me a quick side hug and ask how I’m doing.

2.  ACCEPTING MY IDENTITY

Changes.  Changes. They feel magnified this fall/winter.  In reality, I’m not excluded. I’m blessed to live in a small town where I’m known because of my job with the School District along with owning and operating my Music Studio.   I’m blessed to live in a small town that knew Loren and I as joint business owners.  I’m blessed to live in a small town who knew Loren as the School Board’s Chairman.  Because we supported our local businesses, people knew us.  I’m still known.  I’m blessed.

3. EMBRACING  NEW FRIENDSHIPS

Loss dwells in me.  But I have been pro-active by becoming a part of a social circle of other single Christian ladies.  Sharing the same ugly loss.  Monthly we get together to laugh like young girls, eat a meal, shed a quick tear, and inevitably tell our most recent crazy stories that life has thrown at us.  I can’t imagine life without these precious friends.

4. RECOGNIZING WE ARE DESIGNED FOR COMPANIONSHIP

One thing I have learned.  We are designed for companionship.  God knew what He was talking about.  We are not meant to be alone.  However, I’m not convinced I want to re-marry.  My life is full with my family, increased responsibilities of maintaining the ranch,  and a job that puts me smack dab in the middle of 480 kids. Then there’s the biggest contributing factor in my thought process:  I still am very much in love with Loren. My heart is with him.

“So, God, so far I have made solid choices.  I’m going to keep listening to that still small voice in my heart.  Listening so I can stay in the center of Your will, because that is where I want to remain.  With You.  Amen.”

(BTW.  I may very well write a blog about the many reasons why not to remarry.  ha.)

WHAT I’VE LEARNED ABOUT MARRIAGE AFTER MY HUSBAND’S PASSING

Children, Death, Faith in God, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, Marriage, Miscellaneous

We ended up with the story book marriage but I’d be lying to say our 37 year marriage didn’t have rough patches, daunting flaws. It’s my opinion a high percentage of marriages are just like mine was. Far less than perfect. At times highly exhilarating. Satisfying but exhausting. As a widow, I’ve been purposing to reminisce, to recall, to honestly re-visit “us”.  That is, looking at Loren and my marriage from every angle, every side.  I’m now  learning to apply that “19 -month- out- understanding” so I can continue with this process.  That grief process.

My marriage was exhausting because:

  • It took effort to give up selfishness.
  • This image was captured the day after Loren's Celebration of Life.
    I feel this picture describes many marriages, even Christian marriages.

    It took effort to actively cleave to my spouse (as if climbing a steep mountain).

  • It took effort to maintain the “we are a team” spirit.
  • It took effort to continue learning about him, that is, what his new developed hobbies might be. (Because he had so many varied interests  it took me a long time to embrace that idea).
  • It took effort to “pick our battles”.  There will always be things that aggravate you about your loved one.

My marriage was exhilarating because:

  • My greatest highs / peaks were with Loren (wedding, children’s births, vacations, special events, our intimate times).
  • I had someone who put me first before anything else.
  • I had someone who challenged me to try new things (racing at the Drag Strip, becoming an NRA instructor, driving dump truck and log truck).
  • I had someone to communicate with. To discuss life with.  To develop ideas with.  To dream with.

My marriage was satisfying because:

  • We were seeing the rewards of commitment, the fruit of our labor and effort in our marriage.
  • We were providing stability for our grown adult children and our grandchildren.
  • We were relishing our empty nest years together. Finally, again having time to ourselves, as if newlyweds.

Some of the harsh realities I am just now starting to “mull over” are:

  • Even with Loren being gone, I’m still me. An aged version, a changed version, but still me.
  • I didn’t find my ultimate happiness just because he was my spouse.
  • My self esteem wasn’t determined by what my spouse thought of me.
  • My husband couldn’t ultimately meet my spiritual needs. He also couldn’t ultimately hinder my spiritual growth.
  • I was the one who backed off and let him take over certain responsibilities when, in reality, it would’ve been better if we would have taken turns in a greater variety of responsibilities.  Doing that, adjusting to becoming a widow might’ve been easier.
  • I can’t use this widow situation as a cop out for losing momentum in life.
  • I mustn’t give in to the lie that life will forever be incomplete without Loren.  (I’m still pondering this thought because my heart tells me something very different).
  • I can’t bury myself with him, even though I initially wanted to die with him.

“So God. I’m gaining some perspective.  I’m not sure how it all goes together so please guide me.  Amen.”

TOP LIST OF THINGS TO DO and NOT TO DO

Miscellaneous

“I heard Loren died. At least he didn’t divorce you.  Actually, it’s better he be dead.  At least you know where he is.”  Yep, you read right!  A waitress, about my age, from my little town said these exact words to me, verbatim, within the first 2 weeks of Loren passing!   I was shell-shocked to hear those words coming at me.  ( I later learned she went through a difficult divorce).

In my 19 months of grief I’ve also found much comfort from the people surrounding me.  People letting me know they love me.  People giving me undying support. However, I’ve also felt the sting of words I perceived to be careless. Further yet, I’ve personally faced a resistance to the words I label as “Christian-ese words….words taken from Biblical truths.  These same words have created deep turmoil because the words were not timely spoken, maybe never to be used in wisdom for bringing comfort to any wounded heart.  Well meaning people, serving the same Lord and Savior that I serve.  Yet the words were not salve to me.

So, here is my TOP LISTS of THINGS TO DO and NOT TO DO.6DG_3857

TOP 3 THINGS not TO TELL A GRIEVING PERSON:

  • “God has a better plan for you”.
  • “You know, the Scripture says God works all things out for good.”
  • “Smile, think good thoughts.”  (written in a sympathy card within a week of his passing)

TOP 3 PHRASES THAT HAVE MEANT THE MOST TO ME: 

  • “I am so sorry for your loss.”
  • “I’ll be praying for you”.
  • “It’s so obvious you and Loren really loved each other.  You’ll always love each other.”

TOP 1 THING not TO DO:

  • Run up to me at the Memorial Service, volunteering to do a specific huge project and then back out when I was later counting  on your help.  (2 people did this.  Both males.  Separate large projects.  I now feel they were acting out of their sorrow without thinking things through before promising something they couldn’t fulfill ~ nonetheless, I felt stranded.  For me, it would’ve been better they not even volunteered).

 

TOP 4 THINGS TO DO for general support:

  • Talk about Loren, mention him. It’s impossible for me to erase him from my life experience and heart.  Please don’t erase him from yours.
  • Learn to be comfortable with my brief, sudden spillage of tears. The tears go away as fast as they come.  I’m now happy more than sad.  Be O.K. with who I am right now.
  • Invite me to social events.  I’ll consider coming.  I lived a very active life with Loren. I’m at an odd place right now going places by myself.  But, I still like to be remembered.  And invited.
  • Be like the BILL WILLIS’s of this world!  Bill and Jeannie, friends of both Loren and I, offered to cut and provide firewood for my first winter without Loren.  That was a huge feat because I heat my entire home with wood fire. Bill did exactly what he said he would do and more!  With the extra wood that Dorian Herrick had offered to donate, I am also using wood from Bill’s labor through this winter.   Thank you,    I’m eternally grateful.

FOCUSING ON NOT FOCUSING

Faith in God, Grief, Miscellaneous

On Sunday morning Pastor Brian’s words grabbed me like a vice. Once more I needed to hear what I already knew in my head. But a person can logically know something in their head and not embrace it in their heart! Pastor Brian had said, “Don’t focus on life not being fair.  You’ll miss an opportunity.”  See, in recent weeks Pastor Brian, Pastor Shaun and Pastor Tim have all been teaching out of the book of Acts in the Bible.  Brian was talking how the apostle Paul was bound in chains for 2 years.  Paul was being treated unfairly. Yet during his hardship he used every opportunity to speak what he believed to be Truth.  He lived his life in a way that modeled the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Now that I’m 18 ½ months out, now that the shock has worn off, now that I am way past the initial episodes of denial, I must confess that deep down inside, buried within, I have felt life is unfair with my husband passing away when he did.  Better yet (sarcasm intended on these 2 words), I’ve been feeling life is unfair ALL THE WHILE declaring and even believing that God is in control of my life!

So yes, today I acknowledge there is a gap.  Even a chasm.  My statement saying “God is in control” and my feelings of “Life seems unfair” do not blend.  They do not easily connect.  You could say  incongruent.  You could say incompatible.  Non-the-less, this is where I am at in my grief journey.

In the meantime, life goes on.  In the 1st year I wanted answers.  I wanted to know “WHY?”.  I now see how I thought God owed me an answer so I could understand “why?”.  However, I believe I am closer to accepting that God doesn’t owe me anything, as far as answers go of why he allowed my husband to pass away.  I wouldn’t understand God’s ways anyways because He is God and I am human. He’s ALL – KNOWING.  My understanding is limited.

But today I am focusing that I will NOT focus on life not being fair!

“So God.  I confess there are days I hate what I’m having to live out.  Then there are days where I’m at peace with my life as a widow.  My emotions are not as tangled as they once were.  Yet, there’s still work to be done in my belief system, with my “trust issues” with You.  So God help me.  I’m also trusting in the future I’ll eagerly await that concept of embracing new opportunities.  Amen.”

He said, “Your husband…..”

Children, Death, Family, Grief, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

This morning my chiropractor, whom I see every 6 months or so, made a statement to me, starting his sentence with the words, “Your husband……”  See, Loren had been a patient of Dr. Holton also, along with our daughter Brianne having been a childhood friend of his oldest daughter, Elizabeth.  Hearing the words “your husband” immediately brought a rush of warmth and calm to my heart and body.  Hearing those words equally brought quick, hot tears that burned my eyes and cheeks.

But, I welcomed those quick, hot tears because someone remembered him.  Someone spoke of him.  Someone referred to Loren and my life together.  Someone remembered him as my husband.

And it is well with me that Loren and I always be remembered together! Loren & Julia  Of course, he was his own strong – willed person full of wit and sarcasm.  I’m my own strong-willed person, too.   But we grew together.  We merged in to one together.  Merging into one was not an easy task for us.  But we accomplished it, together, as a team.  We had that “forever connection”. 

I’m grateful our marriage didn’t end in a painful divorce.  In our 37 years we went through periods of time where a wall of unspoken distance loomed. Even though we very much loved each other, there were periods of time we were not even friends…. lovers & raising a family together, yes.  But not close friends.  I have a life-long friend who is now walking through her own immense grief and pain because her husband has left her for another woman after 40 years of marriage.  THAT is pain.  THAT is the epitomy of grief.  Her layers of grief are different than mine, but nonetheless horrific.  Excruciating.  Haunting.

I’m forever grateful that Loren and his graduation to heaven happened in a season of renewed love.  I’m forever grateful our separation happened in a season of much companionship.  Happened in a season of close friendship, a season of undeniable commitment in heart, soul and body with multitudes of “I love  you’s” spoken to each other without restraint.  Unabandoned carefree love as happy empty nesters.  Unabandoned commitment.

Today Dr. Holton said, “Your husband….” Because of Loren’s passing I recognize we legally are not husband and wife but those 2 words are music to my ears for in my heart and mind Loren continues to be just that.  My husband.

JUST A LITTLE BIT, JUST A LITTLE BIT

Death, Family, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous
Another change is coming! Fall, my favorite time of the year.
JUST A LITTLE BIT, JUST A LITTLE BIT…I’m happy a new season has arrived.

Every day I laugh just a little bit, just a little bit.  Every day I smile just a little bit, just a little bit.  Every day I accept my life just a little bit, just a little bit.  Most days I cry just a little bit, just a little bit.

But, as fall has arrived, as the leaves are changing colors, as some dead leaves have already fallen from the trees ~ I feel a change within me.  I wish I could identify the change.  To label it.

I welcome the change all the while hanging on to what was. I welcome the episodes of happiness all the while hanging on to my sorrow, the friend that I have become well acquainted with.  Ol’ Sorrow, that friend whom I’ve lived, even communed, with these past 18 months. Ol’ Sorrow, the partner I’ve shared my life with since my husband has gone.

“So, Lord,  the Scripture says when You start a work in a person You will complete it to the very end.  I can’t imagine how this will end up looking because I relished my world with Loren and the picture I was a part of.  I’m just now willing to even consider opening up my eyes.  So teach me to pray  just a little bit, just a little bit each day.  Teach me to trust  just a little bit, just a little bit each day.”