Category Archives: Faith in God

BIRTHDAYS, LIGHTBULBS, and MOMENTUM

Christian Widows, Deceased Spouse Birthday, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, Holidays and Grief, Honoring Your Deceased Spouse, Miscellaneous, Navigating the Holidays

 

Technically, we didn’t even celebrate his Birthday-in-Heaven this year, compared to last years restaurant hopping with the fam by going to two Shari’s Restaurants (Salem and McMinnville, both) within the same day to eat his favorite Marionberry pie.  We didn’t celebrate his Birthday this year, as we did for two Birthdays, by eating his favorite chocolate cake with chocolate icing. One year  I had been in the hospital for 14 days, and it was on Loren’s Birthday that my brother, Dennis, and his wife, Linda, helped me leave the hospital…and drove me to my parents house so I could recover there with extended out-of-state family.  This year, we certainly spoke of Loren’s Birthday and remembered him and, somehow , THAT seemed to be enough.

You could say, “One more light bulb was turned on”…. at least in my heart.

 

INSIDE OF MYSELF,  somehow,  I DIDN’T:

  • Need to PROVE that I miss him
  • Need to DO something to demonstrate my love for him (I did that for years, he was an acts-of-service-kind-of-guy)
  • Need to STICK TO my pre-made plans (I’m starting to feel like I need less control of my circumstances)

The day before his Birthday,  I did not go to town for the Holiday festivities, as planned.  As soon as my eyes opened in the morning, I instinctively knew I’d feel too lonely so I chose to not set myself up  for pain.  Instead, I left the town that I love and drove 60 miles to another family gathering at my cousin’s farm. It was THERE  that I found lots of laughter and great connection with my Kropf cousins, aunt and uncle, siblings, mom and newly-made-friends… and when I arrived home by 11 pm I felt complete and satisfied.

This year I was motivated to (again) continue the tradition of inviting the Gingerich clan out to the ranch to roast hotdogs and marshmallows over an open fire, ride quads on the upper back trails, and shoot ‘em up for hours until dark… (the 1st two years after he passed the kids and I just couldn’t make ourselves follow through with the week-of-his-Birthday-tradition that Loren had started….it’s like we needed the ranch to remain as “our place”…. because he unexpectedly passed away there, our emotional bands were tight and protective….we had shared a life changing crisis there at the ranch, together).

You could say, “Yet another light bulb was turned on”.  This year I discovered how a deeper contentment occurred because I was sharing the ranch.  Interestingly enough, Brenna had asked me, “Did you feel anxious about having all of these people out today?” I gave a quick answer, “No…this felt natural and right”.

This year, it was on Loren’s BIRTHDAY that I admitted:

  • There are some traditions I will want to continue in his absence
  • There are more traditions I may never do again
  • Maybe, just maybe, I’ll become comfortable with new things.
  • Maybe, just maybe, I’ll become brave and take a long  road trip by myself (for me, that’ll be a sign that I’ve conquered life).

All I can say is, “Julia, you’ve come a long way, baby”.

FRieNdS and Widows, SHRINES and OpiNioNs. Chapter 3.

Children, Christian Widows, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, grief at 4 years, Marriage, Miscellaneous, Pictures of deceased loved ones, Widows and Friendships
  • “Be careful to not build a shrine of him”.
  • “You have to be careful. Don’t let these pictures become an idol!”
  • “You know, Julia, he’s gone now”.

These exact quotes have been spoken by two causal friends who have visited my home, never having been in my home before Loren passed…..and I might add, friends who have not lost a spouse by death.   And, yes, the vocal opinions are part of the friendship package since these ladies are quite vocal.   🙂

Today, I googled Websters Dictionary for the definition of a shrine.  I am faaaaaar from having “a shrine” because we all know Loren was not diety nor was he a saint.  Now, the definition of “an idol”….there might be something to it….  I grew to greatly  admire, love, and (in a way) revere him….(that’ll be an interesting topic to write about in the future)….

RE:  MY SHRINE:  I have a group of three photos of Loren and I sitting on an end table along a wall.  One, a wedding photo. One, a photo of Loren and I participating in a vow renewal service at church, for multiples of couples, 25 years ago.  The last picture,  Loren and I in 2014. On a wall in a nearby alcove there hangs a very large picture of Loren, the same picture that was at the front of the church during his Memorial Service.

On another end table 4 feet away is a photo of Loren, myself, our children and grandkids….this photo was taken 8 months prior to his passing, amazingly enough, on his 60th birthday.  (Loren had strategically placed this photo so he could see the photo as he walked through the living room towards our bedroom).

On the grand piano, 20 feet away, sits a photo of Loren and his mother (two loved ones who are now in heaven).  There are also photos of two daughters and their weddings, with other random family photos (ALL pictures taken since he’s passed).

Should you visit my home and think I have a shrine, you need to know:

  • A few months before he unexpectedly passed, Loren had been saying, “We do NOT have ENOUGH pictures of our family displayed in our house” (to him, photos on the computer and cell phone were not adequate and I had become lax on displaying photos).
  • Loren was the one who voluntarily went to Goodwill and Target, in one evening, and purchased close to 10 photo frames and brought them home.
  • I then painted the picture frames.
  • We, together, placed pictures of the family in the great room.
  • My husband was a sentimental man. He carried pictures of each of the kids and grandkids in his wallet and proudly showed them to others.

And really, who’s business is it anyways to suggest how many photos a person should or should not have in their home?  Is not my home my place to enjoy?  And (to defend myself) I am not stuck in time (as far as my home goes).  I have redecorated my Master Bedroom.  I have reorganized rooms and am in the process of sorting things, still.  I have brought out pretty things that women typically enjoy (I had them boxed up for years) and now display them in my dining room….and, yes…. an almost smirk-ish smile STILL comes on my face when I think of the “idol and shrine” comments.   But I will choose to continue friendship with these ladies and learn to practice “speaking up”  instead of “reacting” in speechlessness… that is, when I hear random opinions that I wouldn’t believe to be the gospel truth…..for me.

I must tell you, though, Loren would be ELATED that I still have a “shrine” of he and our family.  Makes me giddy happy just thinkin’ about it.  WHY HADN’T I DONE THIS SOONER? 

 

I Need PEACE more than HAPPINESS

Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, Holidays and Grief, Miscellaneous, Navigating the Holidays, Peace should be enough

The 2018 Christmas season was the most difficult, by far.  You’d think my 4th Christmas Season  without Loren would’ve been “happier” as far as enjoying the preparation for the Holiday.  I made honest efforts.  Another factor in the mix: this is my 2nd season of not directing K-6 Christmas Concerts and my private student’s Christmas Recital. Even though I enjoy the lowered stress I very much miss performing with students.

IN MY GROWING-UP-YEARS my happy Christmases were filled with:

  • Going to the Rickreall Christmas pageant and being enamored with the live animals and live baby Jesus.
  • Santa Claus surprising we Elementary kids at our small Country Schoolhouse, he passing out bags of candy and oranges.
  • Christmas parties.  Christmas Caroling.
  • Watching my mom bake and prepare Christmas goodie platters to share with the neighbors.
  • Me sitting near the tree for hours in the evening with the lights dimmed… rocking while entranced with the sparkling colors on the Christmas tree.
  • Receiving modest gifts, but always one special toy and a pair of new pajamas.
  • Delighting in the magical times at Grandpa and Grandma Kropf’s house.
  • Eating Grandma Kropf’s homemade candies and banana cream pies with the flaky buttery crusts.
  • Eating roasted Duck and ice cream pie on  New Year’s Day at Grandpa and Grandma Gingerich’s home.

By the 1977 Christmas season I was dating Loren. By the 1978 Christmas season I was married to Loren.  We continued many of the traditions.   I continued singing but now in much larger Christmas presentations and eventually started hosting Christmas piano and voice recitals in our log home.  To top it off, our children and the excitement of  our “he & I” celebrations brought much excitement to my life.

But now….things….are….SOOOO…different.   I, my children and grandchildren had desperately tried to keep Christmas-as-we-knew-in-our-family going.

After 5 days of sudden, unexpected deep sorrow and literal physical pain last month, on December 15th I GAVE MYSELF PERMISSION!!

This permission was not martyrdom. Not fatalism.  Not “depression speaking”.  Instead I believe it was wisdom.  Acceptance.  Willingness to “let go of MY NEED to experience that ADRENALINE RUSH”… that- for-the-majority-of-my-life I had enjoyed…. that build-up and then the peak of multiple performances and festivities in December.

I GAVE MYSELF PERMISSION:

  • To no longer “expect AND need to be happy” at Christmas time.
  • To be “just OK” during the Christmas season.
  • To begin to appreciate “bareness”….the lack of stimulation and multitudes of ideas and activities during the season.
  • To lower MY expectations of MY responsibilities to make my children and grandchildren happy (Brenna & Eugene did a beautiful job of hosting our family celebration on Christmas Day. Thank you for asking to host, Brenna! I also cancelled the Christmas baking tradition).

Society tells us we NEED to be HAPPY!  Happiness, even joy, are not paramount!

However, if I HAD to CHOOSE between peace or happiness I’d choose peace!  The deep tranquil peace.

P.S.  It is very possible that my increased pain was because this was my dads 1st Christmas in Heaven….just one more empty chair at the table….one less voice….and one less laugh to hear.

P.S.S.  Two days after Christmas I expedited a-change-of-course and flew to Florida to be with my brother and his family.  Being proactive brought me happiness and I, again, discovered it is healthy for me to experience new surroundings periodically.

 

 

SOME OF THE Surprising THINGS I’ve Had to DO

Children, Christian Widows, decision making, Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, Miscellaneous, Widows and aloneness

As 2018 draws closer to an end, I’ve been reflecting on the multiples of adjustments I’ve had to make.  Because I’ve made the decision to stay on the ranch, continue working at the same job and also keep my business in town, along with the rental, many might assume I’ve not experienced some upheaval.   NOT TRUE!  In all facets of my life I’ve had to “consider the cost”…sometimes daily…how every “Life Choice” will cost me  emotionally, physically, spiritually and, many times, financially.

SOME OF THE SURPRISING THINGS I’VE HAD TO DO FOR MY PHYSICAL WELL-BEING:

  • #1)  Go to my Doctor and purposefully request anti-anxiety medication to help me have better cognitive skills. The day after Loren’s funeral the anguish peaked. I also felt overwhelmed knowing I’d have massive decisions to make…. So, THAT VERY DAY I started seeing my Dr every 2 weeks for the first 3 months and then every 4 weeks up through the end of that 1st year.  By the end of those 12 months I was successfully weaned off of the medication.  (Grief greatly changed my ability to concentrate and focus)!
  • #2)   (as of 16 months ago) Stop being the Music Specialist at the School (the increasing headaches from the stress of teaching and decision-making were literally screaming, “You need to change, Julia”,  plus my same Family Physician, of 30 years, was advising a change might be wise).
  • #3)  Start hiring two of Loren’s retired friends to do the strenuous outside work that Loren used to do (running the chainsaws, keeping the back trails open and climbing  tall ladders).
  • #4)  Ask Jasmine and Brenna to help me clean the gutters, clean moss off the roofs, and vacuum the 22’ high ceiling (I still do layers of the inside and outside work but there are some jobs you just don’t do when you’re by yourself).
  • #5)   Have more down time. (my body requires it nowadays).

MORE OF THE SURPRISING THINGS I’VE HAD TO DO:

  • #6)  Be taxed FAR GREATER as a single person which means the money doesn’t spread NEAR as far (Loren and I, as a married couple, were only taxed 2% MORE and the income was more than DOUBLE what mine is now)!
  • #7)  Update and revise the existing Will and my Advanced Health Directive  via my lawyer since I am now the sole controller of my children’s future inheritance.  (My lawyer advised me to choose a primary and secondary Executor of my Estate, a primary and secondary Power of Attorney, and primary and secondary Health Representative.  I also have  named my 4 children as beneficiaries).
  • #8)  Weekly visit my mentor/counselor/friend/spiritual comrade Mary Elizabeth so I can better navigate the changes in my life (I’ve learned that I need someone to “talk out” my concerns and options with.  I used to do that with Loren).

MORE new AREAS I AM FORCED TO GROW IN (as a now- single- person)

  • #9) To become comfortable as the sole visionary person with the long-distanced foresight (I’m still searching for the periodic financial advisor to replace my father who passed in 2018).
  • #10) To come to the point of acceptance that I am simply unwilling to “restart” my life in another community or capacity (life is not an “adventure” without Loren.  I like familiarity.  I am doing well learning to be satisfied).
  • #11) To admit that I may never want to explore a new hobby by myself  (yes, I have given up Drag Racing and teaching Gun Safety classes because it’s too painful to do it alone.  Those were “he and I together” activities).

So, here I am at 3 ½ years out and the journey still has its jolting bumps and ruts.  But I can now break into a quick exuberant laugh and I give frequent warm hugs!

I want to feel more confident. I want deep peace.  As much as I trust in the Lord and believe that God is in control I still very much like the thought that “I can control a level of my continuity”.

……..I sometimes think his sudden traumatic death (and my desperate attempt to revive him) is the clincher that makes me all-the-more cling to the “likeable thought” of ME controlling my continuity…… 

In the meantime,  I’ll STILL PULL UP MY BIG GIRL BRITCHES and CARRY ON!  

 

DREAMS and the RELATIONSHIP with the DEAD SPOUSE

Christian Widows, Doing it God's way, Dreams of Your Dead Spouse, Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, loving your deceased spouse

 

 

I like this quote. I’m not sure if my experiences exactly match this thought.

At 3 years and 6 months out, I feel hesitant to speak about my dreams and beliefs in an open forum.  Even though I have FINALLY adjusted to singleness, there is a beautiful struggle with the art of loving your spouse who has gone on before you. 

In a nutshell, I could say I still have a relationship with Loren, howbeit changed because he is physically absent.

 

I’ve frequently DREAMED OF HIM and have had SIX special dreams of Loren in heaven.  In these six vivid, detailed, colorful dreams I have seen: 

  • He, his father, and brother-in-law Max building houses. I’ve seen blueprints and the framework of the houses.  All three were doing physical labor and actively working together with no physical constraints.  In the two dreams I knew they were “preparing”.

 

  • Within 6 months of his passing I dreamed of Loren walking away, me seeing his backside only, with him holding two children, each one (maybe 2-4 years old) held high on each shoulder. I could not see the children’s faces or features. In the dream I was initially puzzled.  In the dream I suddenly realized he was carrying our two grandchildren who never grew enough in their mother’s wombs to be born full term! (After this dream, the intense deadening, desperate grief lessened in me…. I had grieved deeply how he, the avid grandfather, was missing out on the activities and growth of Olivia and Adeline…he also missing out on grandson Lincoln’s birth).

 

  • Loren standing amongst a massive throng of worshipers, looking upward, as a worship service was occurring. Many angels were at the front of the huge area, as if on a platform, surrounding Jesus, who was standing.  The audience was worshiping and eagerly awaiting to hear Jesus speak. (Here on earth, Loren often expressed how he enjoyed worshiping by watching others worship).

 

  • Loren standing amongst a massive throng of worshipers with his hands lifted straight up towards the sky, elbows not bent, all ten fingers spread wide open, as if he was screaming out his adoration to God in the deepest way he could. (There was no watching others.  He was intent.  Even wonderfully “lost”).
  • Loren standing in a meadow, the grass and flowers were chest height…. it was as if though he had been slowly meandering for a long time. He seemed to have this depth of calmness and serenity that I had never seen while living with him here on earth. I could see and feel he was deeply communing with God, as if he was listening to the details that the Spirit was telling him. (Loren staying still was atypical here on earth. Also the scene in the dream seemed to last for 10 minutes…).

I believe Loren is not dead.  OF COURSE, I know his physical body died.  Stopped.

 But LOREN is alive and well in a place called Heaven with Jesus and the throngs of others gone on before.  In fact, I believe he is more alive there than he ever was here on earth!   What a comfort.  What a joy!

I dare to say there are others of you who have had dreams and experiences after your loved ones have passed….

P.S.  I’ve also had dreams of him coming to me….but, those dreams are too special for me to share via an open forum.  And, yes, I’ve thought I have felt his presence in a room or in the car…especially during the first two years after his passing.  One of my daughters has had two dreams of him watching her and knowing things.  And yes, I’ve talked with my Dr about some of this…  my neurologist told me EVEN HIS MOTHER has experienced these types of things since his father passed away!

TOP 7 Things I LEARNED while MARRIED

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fighting Grief, Grief, grief at 3 years, identifying positive things, Longevity Marriages, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widows and Marriage

I was married 37 years.  Even though Loren & I knew that death would eventually separate us, we somehow assumed we’d be married a good 60 years before one of us went first.   Or better yet we’d both pass at the same time (but that’s selfish to wish because we have children and grandchildren who’d feel a double loss).  In addition, we came from families whose parents remained married for a minimum of 65 years until one passed.

  We had strong examples.

I’m ashamed to say it took me years to “get it”.   If Loren was here today he’d equally be honest and say it took him “that long” to learn important lessons!

 

THANKFULLY, we LEARNED and EXPERIENCED these 7 things in  our marriage:

 

  • That your spouse wants to be adored. Not worshiped.  There is a difference (every person knows their imperfections….they simply want their spouse to understand them and still deeply love them in their raw status).

 

  • That enduring love is far separate from the initial lust two individuals feel in their early days as a couple.

 

  • That longevity in a marriage can increase the strong chemistry / spark between the two (the fire only burns hotter).

 

  • That accountability to your spouse is not only a safety net but a blessing (being aware of the ins and outs of your spouse’s life is the ultimate gift of care).

 

  • That some “good marriages” take more effort to thrive (it all comes down to the two individuals).

 

  • That each spouse has their own “love language(s)”…and they are usually different (together, Loren and I discovered the book “THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES…the Secret to Love that Lasts” by Gary Chapman).

 

  • That life is full of consequences. Either full of rewards or full of regrets.

 

Loren and I had finally learned to place undying effort into each other.  We climbed that treacherous, most difficult mountain together….to blend…for two strong individuals to become a team….it took blood, sweat, and many tears.  And we were fully aware we’d need to stay on course with that continuous climb.

Once we tasted the sweetness of deep love we both knew (and lovingly spoke of it) how we would never be willing to settle for anything less!  Until our dying day!

“Our dying day” came sooner than later.

You could say THAT is my problem. I lived the difficulties with him.  I then experienced the deep love between two imperfect people who believed in each other.  Who decided “we” were worth the effort.  I then lived the amazing reward.  With him.

We found a deep lasting love.  I can never settle for anything less.

 

CHOOSING my life SCENARIOS and upcoming WEDDINGS

Children, Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, decision making, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, healthy boundaries, resolutions for the widow, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Marriage

 

 My naïve inexperienced heart-full-of-grief had no understanding of the depth and breadth of changes that might come my way.  That is, the two voicemails, the one letter, and the one email.  From four men.  Two I knew.  Two not.  ALL WITHIN THE FIRST FIVE DAYS of his passing ~ before his Memorial service!  Quite frankly, I was blind-sided, even offended, how these people could be so brazen!  In my heart, I was not a candidate for contact with them or their private messages. They surely didn’t understand Loren and my marital love and commitment.  Nor did they understand the nature of grief!

Simply put, I was not available!  But since Loren has passed, two of our daughters became available.  Brianne married in 2016.  Brenna will be marrying soon.

Watching their newly found love(s) has prompted increased happy reflections of Loren and I while also creating  conflict  ~ amplifying the loneliness. All while I continue the process of learning to be happy. By myself.

 

After much contemplation,  I’ve concluded there are varying scenarios I could live by:

 

The “EASY WAY OUT” scenarios:

  • Date and quickly marry another person (yes, it would certainly relieve the financial adjustments that most widows face but I’m not a big risk-taker. Nor a gambler…nor am I interested in taking on another family…I already have 4 kids and 6 grand kids.  I have a hard enough time spreading my time amongst them)!

 

  • Find male friends for random dinner dates (but I’ve been advised this simply won’t work, long term, especially with my choice to not be sexually active outside of marriage.  And, YES, my girlfriends are awesome but it’s just not the same).

 

  • Shut myself off from the world and become reclusive. Read multiple chick – books to live vicariously through the characters.  Watch multiple movies throughout the week to avoid my life as it is.

 

The “WAY  I’ve  CHOSEN  to  LIVE  it  OUT ” scenario:

  • Keep working to improve myself.  Keep forging ahead even when it hurts.

 

  • Keep serving God with intention by living a principled life,  purposing to be an example of  “WHAT TO DO”  vs being a casualty of  “WHAT NOT TO DO”.

 

  • Keep living my widowhood motto, “IF IT COSTS YOU YOUR PEACE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE”. ( I learned long ago that I am happiest living with a clean conscience).

 

  • Have LOTS of fun with the right people in the right settings!!!

 

So, if my motto, “IF IT COSTS YOU YOUR PEACE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE”,  remains my yardstick and compass I determine I will be a wise woman!

  • A woman with no regrets.  With nothing to hide.

 

  • A woman who won’t settle.  Period.

 

  • A woman who can hold her head high with her spirit remaining deeply humbled before her Almighty God, because she alone knows how deep the loneliness struggle can be.

 

“God give me the grace and power to live widowhood honorably and pleasing to You. Amen.”

 

 

 

GRANTING myself PERMISSION at this 3 – year anniversary

Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, grief in the workplace, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, widowhood

I’ve never lived my life in complete chaos as far as spiritual upkeep and running a household goes. As a widow, keeping four spheres spinning to manage my home, my property, work at my job, and run my music studio, I’ve done well enough.

BUT, yesterday I had an epiphany!!

I had not given myself permission to add a higher level of order because the three – year anniversary had not yet arrived!

Two Thanksgivings before Loren’s unexpected passing, our family had sat around the table.  Because months prior our brother-in-law Max had passed, Loren had said to the children and I, “Whenever I die, I want you to keep thus and thus and thus and thus for three years.  If at that point you realize those items no longer hold sentimental value, go ahead and get rid of them.”  Our adult son immediately freaked out when he heard those words.  He said, “Dad, are you sick? Is there something you’re not telling me?” Loren had said, “No, son.  I just very much regret that years back I got rid of an item that my dad had given me when I was a teenager and I now can never get it back.”

Needless-to-say, that casual Thanksgiving Day conversation has been playing in my mind since the day Loren suddenly passed.  I have purposefully remembered his wishes and I most certainly have WANTED to honor his wishes!

But THIS spring…THIS summer…there is an innate need to grant myself more permission:

  • To use more logic than emotion.

 

  • To continue analyzing what works for ME (not just how it worked for WE).

 

  • To consider selling or gifting specific things.

 

  • To continue making the home as a place I now need it to be (ie. If I want a “foo-foo” bedspread in each bedroom it’s A-OK).

 

  • To re-organize his shop so I can find things when I need to find them (ie. his idea of where things should go was not the place I would’ve been inclined to put them).

 

I must admit I feel a sense of freedom to write this, while at the same time,  this topic surfaces much deep pain. It has felt safe, and wonderful, and ever-so-happy (if that’s possible in grief) to keep things as they were…………….”He & I in our own little world….”

I now see, I have been tip toeing through my new normal.  Gingerly making decisions. Second guessing some of my moves. 

But it’s time:

  • To again, with heightened perspective,  take the bull by the horns (whatever that means…).

 

  • To look at my three-years-out life in the face.

 

  • To be bold enough to ask new questions.  See new angles.  See new slants and bird’s-eye-views.

 

  • TO, maybe, TRUST GOD ENOUGH TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE  HE’S IN CONTROL…..

“So, Lord, give me the bravery to follow through with fresh ideas and no longer have a layer of fear.”

P.S.  I’ve just now re-read this blog.  Taking the bull by the horns feels frightening.  Believing God in a far greater capacity seems daunting.  Raisin’ my hand.  Prayer, please! 

The PATRIARCHS IMPACT and EXCHANGES

Death, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous, widowhood, widows losing their fathers
summer of 2015, Monday date night
summer of 2015,  dad and I on a Monday night outing.

Three years this month the Patriarch of my children and grandchildren passed.  This same month, 16 days ago, the Patriarch of my birth family passed.  Please understand, the word “Patriarch” does not bother me.  Both my husband and father did not lord the position of “eldest male” over us ~ wife, sisters, daughters, brothers, or sons.

Having witnessed their spirits leaving their earthly bodies, to me, it  confirmed a spiritual act happened as the body ceased to function.

Undoubtedly, Loren’s sudden and unexpected passing brought a high level of shock and distress whereas my 88 year old father’s  passing has not to the same degree.

Either which way, the two most influential men in my life have now left earth.

Both Patriarchs are physically gone.

Somehow, I greet this EXCHANGE with JOY:

  • Because I believe my father, my husband, and other loved ones are reunited and having fellowship with each other, as they often did together here on earth, I find a high level of comfort!
  • Because I believe my father and my husband now have full knowledge of the beautiful mysteries that the Holy Bible refers to, I smile (both men enjoyed challenges and learning)!
  • Because I believe we humans are confined to our limited understanding, to imagine the connection that surely must exist between the Heavens and the Earth gives me a sense of closeness to my loved ones gone on before me (even though we are far apart we somehow are so very close)!
  • Because I am confident my loved ones are more spiritually alive and fulfilled than ever before,  I can only be happy for them!

  I, at the same time, GREET THIS EXCHANGE with  SORROW:

  • Because I know where physical loss occurs a tremendous void will exist.
  • Because I know there will be days my heart will desperately ache for them.
  • Because I have now lost my father, I have lost  another powerful former times relationship with a man.  (Loren, 37 years.  My dad, 59 years).
  • Because I am a bit fearful (having finally crawled out of the deep pit of grief from my husband’s death) I am all too aware of that slippery slope of despair….
  • Because of my humanness , the finality of physical death feels as if it will last  forever.  In Heaven’s eyes,  though, death’s finality is merely temporary..  LIFE HERE IS JUST A FLIT.

MOST SURPRISINGLY,  today,  I GREET THIS EXCHANGE with a level of EXPECTATION. 

Through Loren’s passing I have discovered: 

  • out of sheer fear has come bravery.
  • out of deep loneliness has come the inward consent to enjoy my single self.
  • out of great anxiety has come the decision(s) to not worry.
  • out of the sudden loss of Loren has come my determination to ask this ONE hard question as a perspective baseline: “IS THIS GIVEN SITUATION LIFE OR DEATH?” (simply put: there are some things that do not demand my immediate attention or concern).

I wonder what new things I might glean from now losing the TWO most influential , most- close- to- my- heart men in my life? 


Love you forever, dad and Loren.  Heaven can’t come soon enough.  In the meantime, I press forward.

TRYING TO FIND Julia

Death, Faith in God, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 2 years, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood

blog quoteOn Wednesday I sat with my dear friend and mentor, Mary, and sobbed so hard I could barely breathe.  All while my head throbbed. Exhausting!  At 33 months I have hit another brick wall.

I’ve read the positive quotes and “like” them on Facebook because I know these quotes hold value for me as I pursue peace and happiness.  I’ve read the grief quotes on Pinterest and “pin” them on my wall because they equally hold sentiment and value  as I acknowledge the deep pain I’ve conquered and continue to face.

I’ve listened to Loren’s friends tell me  I deserve to be happy, how Loren would want me to be happy.  They are right in their eyes but only a part of me believes what they say…. yes, I know Loren would be trying to be happy if I had died, but I’m 100% sure he’d still have this deep longing for me and feel great loss….

But I’m simply not ready to embrace  an alternative life, whatever that means.

  • I’m still fragmented. Not whole. Like wood fibers, Loren and I had grown IN to each other.
  • Grief continues to morph into new phases. I heal in one area but something new appears.
  • But, at least I know I am no longer “stuck”.
  • Yet, I’m having a difficult time discovering who the new single Julia is.
  • But I know for my ultimate well-being…to flourish and find my new “God- purpose” in life, choosing to believe God allowed his passing….I must discover who the new single Julia is.

It’s time to fight to grow.

Because the truth is, his death has forever changed me.  What a powerless, even frightening,  way to feel.  But, I’m not a victim even though I periodically feel helpless.

 I must fight.  To grow.

“Ok, God.  H – E – L – P !!!!”