About 6 months after Loren passed, it was on a fall evening that I had a most important conversation with myself.
Up to this point I had been with one of our four children weekly, daily at times. They were my life-line. My body and senses were in full-crisis mode because of the separation from Loren.
I had been out mowing the last mow before the heavy rains were to come. It was then I had an acute thought, “My kids love me so much that I COULD be needy and helpless, which would require them to be near me”.
Immediately after that thought passed, I EQUALLY pondered, “I COULD release my kids from FEELING like they need to care for me“. I then thought of these facts:
- “I am 57”.
- “I most likely will have many more years of being single”.
- “I want my kids to WANT to be with me”.
- “I NEVER want them to resent me”.
- “I know there will come a day, as I age, where I will need them more than I do now. I need to have a non-demanding relationship with them NOW since things will change, some day”.
It was then that I intentionally started releasing my kids from FEELING like they MUST be responsible for my well-being.
Soooo, the random-periodic-times I start feeling “needy”….wanting to find one of my children to attach myself to… I immediately remember that initial ” Pivotal Power Conversation” I had had with my self.
“I still choose to never demand, command, insist that my children try to fill the void that Loren left” .
“I choose to live to the fullest even when that means living a solitary life”.
There is a movie with Susan Serandon as the main character (out about 5-8 yrs ago?) that deals with this very subject. It’s funny, sad, poignant – I enjoyed it!
Danette, Interesting! I need to watch that movie! Julia
Wonderful advice Julia. To have so much self-awareness at that stage in your grief process is amazing! This is a great learning experience to share with others.
Thank you, Linda
I lost my husband 3 months ago. It’s been a struggle to find my footing. Your writing is helping me to understand my ongoing grief and changing relationship with my adult daughter and her family. One can be the “loneliest number”.
Deborah, I apologize for my delayed response (not checking on my blog site). No doubt about it: One can be the loneliest number…and I agree that grief does change relationships with our children. Thankfully, for me…the grief of losing Loren helped draw our children and myself closer. Yet, We did learn that prior relational hurts and misunderstandings with the deceased loved one didn’t just disappear….that even though we deeply grieved the death..the hurts and issues DID carry forward in to the now. For me, I went to grief counseling with a trusted counselor that my husband and I had currently been going to see (to freshen up the 30 plus year marriage). ….and Deborah….don’t beat yourself up about losing your footing! Every widow has. I’ll be writing a new blog right now about this topic. Julia
Beautifully stated Julia. Hugs. 😍
Thank you Tammie…I’m very sure you also had to come to this conclusion.