I actually believe that it is the “people” who NEED us grieving people to “move on” and “heal”.

I’ve heard this verbally. I’ve read it in articles online and in books.

Most certainly….I’ve felt it:

• I’ve felt it in judgement from people who simply hadn’t had the close-up death experience yet. They meant well. They just haven’t had it happen. Yet.
• I’ve felt it from people who HAD lived through a close-up death…BUT, them being around another person with fresher loss took them back to a place that they felt they needed to flee from. I get that too. For their self-care alone they needed to back away and really want me to be how I used to be.

Thankfully, my mentor and counselor did not tell me I had to rush through the healing process. In fact, she encouraged me to take my purposeful time…to carefully grieve and grieve well so I could heal well. My children have been wonderful…letting me take my time. Never pressuring me.

Let’s quit trying to “pretty up” things. When someone dies it is DEATH.

I’ve come to believe that it is not just :

*passing away

*going to a better place

*moving on to a better place

Death certainly is not a pretty word. Someone’s body has ceased functioning. It is the permanent ending of vital processes in a cell or tissue. For those of us who were there when someone’s body quit functioning…when we didn’t run…but stayed with the body… we well understand the literal changes that happened when we waited around for 3-4 hours. Our loved one felt different to the touch and looked abit different after awhile too. I found that to be abit frightening at 4 1/2 hours…about the time when the funeral director arrived at my home.

I completely understand……….. in general……… “people” are uncomfortable being near a person who can cry at the drop of a hat, a person who seems withdrawn or distracted, a person who may seem depressed after a death of a close loved one has happened. Or being around the person who suddenly is doing ape-crazy-out-of-character behaviors …it’s majorly unnerving to watch your friend or loved one spiral from their deep pain.

Let’s back up…let’s not forget you’ll need to do a drastic thing….you have a decision…so your loved one’s body will not continue the crass deterioration process. This is the real ugly pain of the newly grieving person’s life. You simply can’t sweep someone’s death under a rug. Heart breaking decisions must be made. And quickly. Let’s have some sheer hard core mercy for all of the millions of us who’ve had to be a part of a sudden unexpected death…where no prior funeral arrangements had been made by the loved one. The decisions had to be made quickly and most likely while under severe physical shock and emotional pressure. Hopefully, most of us had a strong support system of family and faith connections to give us oversight and strength. I do believe that I will see Loren again in Heaven. As a Christian I believe in eternity. I seriously do not know how a person could cope with loss without belief in Heaven and reuniting with loved ones.

If there is one “beautiful thing” that can result from a death….the positive result can be that the surviving family has motive and opportunity to spend more time together…having developed a greater bond. Yes, even from something so very painful for the entire unit. I have experienced that with my four adult children. Loren would love that his death has brought us closer than before. It’s things like this intensified connection that makes me wish he could glance down from above and check in on us.

Sometime I’ll blog about the word TIME. Time is a packed word. I hadn’t looked at the word as I now do. It’s a topic that lots of us on earth don’t even bother to look at.

I’ve known I need to blog more. Some of you have asked me where the new blogs are. One of you actually asked my sister why I wasn’t blogging more. When I sit down to blog I am either distracted by normal cares and responsibilites that a single person has …OR….I feel I don’t have enough time to articulate what I want to say. Things of actual importance. To try to articulate the growth that I’ve made as I walked (still walking out of, actually) through that deep ol’ valley of death.

If you saw me in the grocery store or any public place you’d be assured that I am “completely healed”. By this time….most of you NEED ME to be “healed”. I mean no ill by saying that….I honestly believe it’s a societal expectation that someone somewhere set…with time limitations as to when the grieving process of a very beloved spouse should be over.

In reality, for the most part…I think I’m quite healed…but with some definite battle scars. It’s almost 9 years. I can tell you that I did the work. I felt the pain honestly without severe vices other than chocolate. I still feel pain once in a while. I’ll always love Loren. There’s noone else to replace him. Yet I’ve grown. For survival sake and for my well-being it’s been an absolute necessity to walk through vs choosing to stay inside the whirlwind of deep grief.

• I’ve discovered a normalcy that works for me.
• I still find myself having to periodically review the commitments I’ve made to others…I still find myself over committing. I haven’t quite learned that innate balance of watching out for myself…in that way, as Loren did for me. He’d always catch it before I did. I miss him.
• Yes, I have “dated” a few guys….my definition of dating meaning : meeting someone for lunch or dinner and then realizing that that there was nothing more…just enough to satisfy the curiosity of that person…just hoping to find a buddy…if nothing else.
• Yes, I still live on and manage the farm. Within the last month I’ve had a new nudge to be open to selling it and making a change. I still expect the change to be so very hard, because generations of connection and family are in that family property….ideally one of my children would buy it…at the moment it’s not looking that way.
• But I know, ultimately it’s about what works best for me as it equally does towards my children who have their own lives. I’m tired of being tired and being a slave to the duties that come with property.
• I still work full-time and still teach my piano and voice students in addition to the other job. I’m old enough to retire by now..but I’m not ready to give up my daily contact with kids and coworkers at my job.
• As I am sitting in a room in my brother’s house…3,000 plus miles away from Oregon….a reminder of the clearer picture that keeps unfolding is this:

Everytime I go on a little vacation. Everytime I take a trip….I feel free. It’s like I find another piece of me. It’s a degree of independence that enlarges. Yes, Loren and the memories travel in my heart with me. Memories of him are not confined to the home that we built together. I can live a single life in a new degree of fullness and I very much like it. I’m in a heightened state of discovery right now. I love this Julia.

We can talk about this more at a later time…gotta go.

One of my cousins and I are now quite close.  Even though we actually grew up and still live in different countries our lives ended up running comparatively parallel: when we were married…when we started having children. …how long we were married.  We only saw each other every 5-10 years at a family reunion, family funeral or visiting each other as we were passing through where each other lived.

Within 5 months of each other our worlds crashed.  Mine…my husband dropped dead.  Hers…..her husband walked out from the marriage.

We now stay in touch with each other daily via social media and the periodic phone call. Not only have we cried together (often), shared our hardships (often), discussed our daily lives and our adult children (often)….at 8 years out we finally (quite frequently) laugh and talk about the good moments that we are finding in life as two 60 year old grandmas.  I’m SO grateful I have her for support.

I have one other close long-time friend who provides reciprocol support.   She lives with two painful things:  the early death of her 1st husband and a sudden divorce in the 2nd brief marriage.

All three of us women are solid, fun, productive, creative Christian women who depend upon each other.

For me, hearing and sharing other’s pain through our not-completely-similar losses has frequently left me to ponder…. “Is it better to have lost your husband through death when he still loved you?” …..OR….”Is it better to have lost your husband in divorce when he walked away for another woman?”    

LOSS THROUGH an unwanted DEATH:

• Never seeing them again, never hearing their voice again (unless you are lucky enough to have videos of them)
• Never watching them walk across a room…seeing their stance and those movements and expressions that made them them
• Never seeing their handwriting unless you look at the signatures you might see on your House or Car Loans or Birthday Cards that you’ve saved
• The formal family photo (taken just months before he passed) now starting to look ancient…the two young grandchildren in that past-years photo now being tall teenagers
• My new apprehension-hurdle of considering another professional family photo…which will only accentuate time without him
• Never smelling the skin of my loved one again
• The deceased loved one missing out on the grandchildren’s births, birthday parties, graduations, weddings and Holidays
• Being blessed to continue living in the home we built/shared…constantly aware of his absence yet somehow that home is full of him
• Enjoying the happy and sad life-memories and quoting him often
• Knowing he adored me and was committed to me
• Growing….but truthfully it’s not a “new life”….it’s just adjusting, forming, and expanding around the inner core of losing the man who was the core of my life for a long stretch of time
• My kids and grandkids are missing out on a relationship with him.
• Stupidly thinking I’d be thrilled sky-high to just be able to see him ….even to just watch him from a distance.…even if we weren’t married anymore because of death
• Having the random surprising dreams that leave me broken for the entire following day (that dream of unexpectedly seeing him somewhere….he silently recognizes me…..he intently watches my activities….but he doesn’t come in close for a personal moment with me…there’s always a gap/barrier between us in these dreams)

LOSS THROUGH an Undesired DIVORCE:

• Maybe, “luckily”, if there’s not children involved, that is, the ex runs off and disappears
• Feeling the continuous twisting knife of rejection in your heart
• Maybe running into the ex at a restaurant….being forced to greet him or go hide…both situations being painful
• Your self esteem being slaughtered
• Maybe seeing your ex with their new lover or new spouse
• The pain of your children calling another woman “mommy” or “mom”
• If you share custody of young children, having to work together and successfully parent together ….but separately
• The reoccurring anger brewing and the pain welling up inside while being at joint events of your children….those concerts, graduations, funerals and future weddings
• Not wanting to look at past family photos…he’s in the formal photos
• The meer fact that with having children, even grandchildren, together…. he will always be in your life
• The hidden conflict of being happy he’s still “in your life” while still very much resenting that he tossed aside your vows and commitment
• The dividing of assets ….that’s a whole other topic

Just writing out these two comparables makes my heart drop.  Please note: In all earlier-mentioned- family/friend-three-scenarios… the death and divorces were sudden and unforeseen.

In my viewpoint…both death and divorce holds its deep painful sorrow, inner conflict and ugliness. There is no win. Loss sucks.

Even years later, I’m still finding that Loren’s death has exposed my selfishness and an insecurity that I must work through and grow thru. The now-challenge of not turning in to a self-centered woman is frequent….the constant weighing of my independence without the sound marital relationship-balance….the ongoing growth that is required for me to remain stable and be the example that Christ would want me to be….yet the required element of pride and confidence that is necessary to be a functional single woman in her 60’s…a woman who most likely won’t be starting over.

Thank God for my girlfriends and family who heart-share this journey.  Thank God that He understands my mortality and limited understanding.  Thank God for our Home that awaits us in Heaven.

In past years I sang a wonderful worship song at church…the song continuously brought peace to my heart.  “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? …not tribulation, distress, persecution, famine, nakedness, peril or sword…”

I had nothing to fear because I had the love of Christ.

The word “SEPARATE” took on a whole new meaning when Loren died.  In fact, a few times I…..in deep confidence with two friends….shared how SEARINGLY PAINFUL the separation from him was.   Of course, the entire life altering event was horrific, the loneliness was debilitating, and the ongoing shock knocked me to the ground……… the first 2 years I felt as if a bear had his mouth gripped on one shoulder and a lion on the other side….their teeth crunching into my flesh…. yanking…..stretching the tissue…..breaking bones and pulling shoulder joints out of their sockets.  The weight of the physical pain was cruel. 

It’s real.  I testify that the marriage ceremony is a miracle.  Not only did we pledge our vows before God and man… we became one.  Those of us who were/are able to live the fruits of a marriage that lasted over 20 years… we can especially testify to this…by this time typically each other’s lives melding into one…even while healthily maintaining our individuality.

Because I lost my spouse I had a sudden powerful awareness of the power of the spoken vow. 

Whether the separation be from death or divorce, it makes sense that unrequested separation feels savage.

So this is MY personal revision of Romans 8:35. 

“Who shall separate me from the love of Christ?”

“(1)  Not the loss of my spouse  (2) not the upheaval of my family’s lives because of his death  (3)  not the sometimes not-so-quiet judgements from onlookers as they question a few decisions I’ve had to make  (4)  not the silent anger I initially  felt towards God because He allowed my husband to die without having time to say a goodbye  (5)  not the revolving mild depression a widow cycles through on Anniversary months, Thanksgiving and Christmas (6) not the tearful times of just wishing you could discuss a current situation with your spouse  (7)  not the lonely moments when you go to the Specialist for a diagnosis  (8)  not the very-mild sense of unsafety driving over a distance of 2 hours (9) not the toll of the emotional weight that the newly-single-life can bring  (10) not the random  financial concerns when vehicles and furnaces need repair.” 

“Even though my cares are still very real …..ultimately I have nothing to fear because I have the Love of Christ. ” I still love the song, too.

While watching Episode 27 of the OPB Television Series SANDITON…a lead character Charlotte is asked what she will do now.  By this time, she is starting to appear as a spinster.  Her 1^st fiancé had died tragically.  Her father then later arranged an upcoming marriage to a farmer whom she didn’t deeply love but she felt she must obey her father because this was the tradition in the early 1900’s.  In the final episode of Series 3, Charlotte broke off the engagement.  The farmer was good man but she wasn’t going to settle out of society’s necessity. 

“I shall find a way to live my life on my own terms”, Charlotte had said. 

I immediately pressed pause on the remote and re-played those words multiple times as I wrote them down.  A note had struck in my heart.  How poignantly stated.  What an amazing script. 

As a Christian who claims to serve God, some may immediately determine my relatable quote, “I shall find a way to live my life on my own terms,” to sound un-spiritual …. possibly even rebellious. 

I like to consider myself teachable.  Before Loren died I could’ve easily prayed, “I’ll go anywhere you want me to go, God.  I’ll do anything you want me to do.”  That would’ve been easy.  If God would have “called us to go somewhere” Loren would’ve been with me…plus, he would’ve had to equally felt drawn to make the change. The decision of change would’ve “HAD” to have been right because we both had peace about the decision. 

I believe in honesty.  God can handle it….besides… He knows my heart already.  The point I am attempting to make is this: I no longer quickly throw the words “I’ll go anywhere or do anything” out of my mouth because the truth is this:

After losing my world with him in it:

• Any change I make means doing it alone
• At this time I can’t imagine feeling peace about uprooting my life…..for anything

At the 8 year Anniversary point, I now see:

• Becoming a widow immediately forced me to make a choice, even though I wasn’t completely aware of that fact in the first 3 years.

FOR ME, THE CHOICES WERE:

• Find a man who is similar to my deceased husband…with similar skills and traits…a man who is highly respected amongst his community….a visionary man who can step in and manage our then-business…a man who could be a good companion in the home and in multiple social settings.

• ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ OR~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

• Be forced to become more independent, a woman who learns to think for herself…no longer focusing towards the team-work mindset in a marriage,  but learn to advocate and stand up for herself in the business world and as a property owner,  be willing to be considered “a rough and tough old bird”,  maybe even be called a “ royal B-I-&@* ” ……..(because unfortunately I’ve now experienced how women can become a target for the (thankfully) few-and-far-between men who need to make things hard for any woman without a husband).

 Because I’m by myself I feel like I’ve been forced to stand up….have my feet planted deeper….making my back appear straighter than it actually feels.

Ultimately I like who I am growing in to. I hope I’ll some day be that fierce lion…but well balanced… with some tender approachable traits too.

For many years  I had sung a song at church that continuously brought peace to my heart.  “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? …not tribulation, distress, persecution, famine, nakedness, peril or sword…”

I had nothing to fear because I had the love of Christ.

The word “SEPARATE” took on a whole new meaning when Loren died.  In fact, a few times I, in deep confidence with two friends, shared how SEARINGLY PAINFUL the separation from him was.   Of course, the entire life altering event was horrific, the loneliness was debilitating, and the ongoing shock knocked me to the ground……… I felt as if a bear had his mouth gripped on one shoulder and a lion on the other side….their teeth crunched in to my flesh…. yanking…..stretching the tissue…..breaking bones and pulling shoulder joints out of their sockets.  My internal vital organs were being destroyed. The weight of the physical pain was cruel. 

It’s real.  I testify that the marriage ceremony is a miracle.  Not only do we pledge our vows before God and man… we can become one.  Those of us who were able to live the fruits of a marriage that lasted over 20 plus years, we testify to this.  Those of us who lost our spouses quickly understood the power of the spoken vows and the ability we had had to become one.

It makes sense that unrequested separation feels savage.

So this is MY personal revision of Romans 8:35. 

“Who shall separate Julia from the love of Christ?”

“(1)  Not the death of my spouse  (2) not the upheaval of my family’s life because of his death  (3)  not the sometimes not-so-quiet judgements from onlookers as they question a few decisions I’ve had to make  (4)  not the silent anger I initially  felt towards God because He allowed my husband to die so young  (5)  not the revolving mild depression a widow cycles through on Anniversary months  (6) not the tearful times of just wishing I could discuss a current situation with my deceased spouse  (7)  not the lonely moments when I’ve gone to the Specialist for a possible serious diagnosis  (8)  not the underlying sense of unsafety as I drive a 60 mile distance towards home at midnight (9) not the toll of the emotional weight that the newly-single-life can bring  (10) not the random  financial concerns when vehicles and furnaces need repair.” 

“Even though Julia’s cares are periodically very real, she ultimately has nothing to fear because she has the Love of Christ. “

I’ve finally set the date for the burial of Loren’s ashes.  It’s taken me 7 ½ years.    

We had had a beautiful Memorial service within a week of his passing.  That day, his ashes were still at the Crematorium – Funeral Home.  Death certificates were not yet recorded with the County.   It would be another week before my children and I could pick them up. 

Living with the shock of his death in comparison, that was OK. 

The Memorial Service attendance was astounding.  I was shocked of the large turnout on a Monday afternoon service.  63 of his Winco co-workers came to the service.  Winco had changed the delivery times to the stores so drivers could attend the service and still work their shifts.  Multiples of my coworkers came.  The School District I work for (where Loren served on the Board of Directors) ordered an early release day so the staff could attend the service if they chose to. Friends from Loren’s childhood and teenage years were there.  Friends of my childhood and teenage years were there.  Friends and Pastors from churches we had attended  were there.  Current and past customers of our two businesses were there.  Current and past neighbors were there. Friends of our adult children were there.  Friends of Loren’s parents and my parents were there.  Our extended families were there and gave us strong support.  The Wasson and Gingerich immediate families encircled my family and I…..loving and caring for us well.

To prove I do not typically struggle with great procrastination, I did not struggle to set probate in motion.  In all other aspects following a death I did things in a timely manner.

The kids and I had discussed varying options of what we might want to do….wear a Memorial necklace with his ashes, make blown glassware out of a portion of his ashes,  shoot a few rounds of shotgun shells with his ashes added to the powder,  create a Memorial garden behind the house.

Within a few months of his passing the kids and I went to the chosen local graveyard and purchased a plot.  We did this independently vs the funeral home managing the details.  I easily drew up the design for the headstone.   

It was at this point all forward motion stopped.  It now seems I had given myself permission to allow time to stop. 

Burial plot purchased soon after his death.   Check!

Designing the joint headstone.  Check!

Feeling ready to bury his ashes.  Uncheck……

Feeling grateful Loren had randomly mentioned he desired cremation.  Check!

Relieved there was no pressure or rush after cremation.  Check!

Daughter expresses her desire to be able to have a place to take flowers and remember him.  Uncheck…..

Finding ongoing comfort with Loren’s ashes being in the room where he had died.  Check!

Being indecisive if / how to lovingly use his ashes in his memory.  Check! 

Gathering all of Loren’s dress and work clothing….having them made in to 11 (eleven) Memorial quilts for each family member.  Check! 

Ignoring the reoccurring inward prompt that now may be the right time for burial.  Check!

Recently losing two uncles, one brother-in-law, and two first cousins within 2 years…each time gathering at their individual graveside services with family…finally….. newly sensing the importance of tradition….honoring the dead with respect and ceremony at the graveside burial.  Feeling pleased my kids will soon have the ability to visit a grave if they choose to.  Check!

Date set for private burial.  Check!

In the past 7 years, I’ve met many widows who quickly share how “the Scriptures” (as in whole) have meant so much to them during their new journeys of loss as they slowly move on towards a level of acceptance. 

I certainly am not one of those women. I have felt embarrassment, somehow even a reoccurring element of shame…. that I did not immediately experience a momentous breakthrough spiritually during my early years as a widow…sometimes feeling as if I was being judged that I wasn’t spiritual enough.   

I had memorized Psalms 23 when I was in Middle School….preparing for the annual Bible Memory Camp that required me to memorize 300 designated scriptures each year so I could attend the summer camp in the gorgeous Cascade Mountain Range.  

I had always found Psalms 23 to be poetically beautiful….I even sang and performed the New 23 Psalm song multiple times in concerts in the 1970’s.  Many people have often seen the chapter of Psalms 23 type-written on a program of a Funeral Service.

If I had not lost Loren I would have never discovered the new sense of purpose that I have gleaned from this passage that continues to lead me towards greater solace.

The words in black bold print are exact words from my Bible.  The words in parenthesis are my frequent ponderings that I meditate on.  

                                                      PSALMS 23:  1 – 16

The Lord is my Shepherd    ( I serve the true living God who shows compassionate nurturing care for me)

I shall not want  (In every relational and financial need that a single woman faces there is no reason to desperately search or panic.  I continue onward as I was, steady as possible… just now alone)

He makes me to lie down in green pastures (God will help me find “comfortable, safe, peaceful places” in family relationships, friendships, my needed down-time, and my work)

He leads me beside still waters  (He always takes me to calm waters where I can easily and safely drink from.  He will never lead me to churning rapids and scary waterfalls to gain nourishment as I heal)

He restores my soul  (If I let Him, the continual process of healing is slowly and surely doing its complete work)

 He leads me in paths of righteousness for His Names sake  (God will always direct me towards right living and wise choices, it’s not about appearing perfect but being a positive example)

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death (When I’m living in the throes of death’s heaviness I need to remind myself that there will be an end to the shadow…knowing I will reach the end sooner as I carefully walk a straight course through the valley of the shadow)

 I will fear no evil (God clearly states He is watching over the widow.  What and whom do I have to fear?)

 For Thou art with me (and He is!)

Thy rod and staff comfort me  (I’m not sure I like the picture of the crook of the rod encircling my neck…pulling me back from a cliff..as if I am a dim-witted ewe.  Even the little corrections and seeming modifications He has already veered me away from / or leading me towards are for my good…the end result bringing comfort)

 He prepares a table for me (There’s no reason to starve spiritually during grief…plenteous protein drinks, soda crackers, jello, chocolate and banana cream puddings, and favorite flavors of ice cream are available for me while my stomach and palate are in a weakened state.  When I’m ready for the rich foods a gourmet buffet will be presented…special made for me!)

 In the presence of my enemies  (Death may feel like my enemy…unsurety/fear certainly is my greatest enemy….sometimes people too….just learning how I fit in to the social areas as a widow)

 He anoints my head with oil (Instead of wanting to run, pace or panic, the wisest thing I could practice would be to sit still and meditate.  That is when the soothing balm will pour over me)

My cup runs over  (Eventually I will be renewed enough that I will have great emotional and financial abundance to share)

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life  (I believe that the emotional and physical aging that came with the heavy grief will not overtake me forever…eventually my body will regain its full vitality)

And I will live in the house of the Lord forever!  (I can now recognize Gods continued goodness in my life.  I must embrace life in the land of the living…. where I am still placed…. and rejoice with new insight that my future days in Heaven will be greater than I can humanly comprehend). 

At this 7 Year Anniversary of my husband’s passing, I’ll be sharing the beginnings of My JOURNEY of CLIMBING OUT of the THROES of the VALLEY of the SHADOW OF DEATH.

It took me 6 years before I could honestly say I was “no longer lingering in the shadow” of Loren’s death.

Recently I Googled the definition of LINGER:

1. “Stay in a place longer than necessary because of reluctance to leave”.
2. “Spend a long time over (something)”.
3. “Be slow to disappear or die”.

In hindsight, Definition #1 surely described me.  

1. Each painful step of change during the grief and healing process eventually became “comfortable”.   However, I’ve discovered there’s a fine-line between “healthy comfort” vs “unhealthy comfort” in grief (that’s another topic for a blog).  
2. In those natural stages of grief (ie. denial, anger, on to acceptance) I chose to purposefully face each stage I was in.  That alone was exhausting but I’ve never wanted to be a person who sticks their head in the sand. It’s how I process in life.
3. While he, shockingly, lay dead in our bedroom….as I was weeping beside him on the floor…I then purposed to NOT be “a widow of desperation”…my definition: one who acts carelessly …making rash decisions.  It was at that exact point in time I was deciding I would choose to live an honorable example for my children and grandchildren.  “My happiness” and “Yipee, I get to start over” was never part of my mindset.
4. The first 3 years of grief naturally took me through the process of sorting through memories of our marriage’s “wonderful times” vs “our far-less-than-wonderful times” as a couple.  I innately knew I needed to allow this action….for I am a life-long learner.
5. Grieving while being transparent was taxing.  But, it was my important journey to make.  Frequent discussions with the 4 adult children occurred.  We discussed our different grief journeys and the individual relationships they had had with their dad.
6. To summarize: Grief alone doesn’t automatically erase the areas that needed healing.  Too often surviving family members gloss a struggling relationship…fearing honest discussion will dishonor their deceased loved one. That is far from the truth.  Privacy is important, of course, but truth laced with love brings honor and healing. Gratefully, our family has found this and hold to it.
7. The rewards of understanding were fruitful and brought me an inner resolve that I could be at peace over losing Loren and even recognize “the good”:  our family pulling together in a greater way than before.
8. At the 6^th Year mark I knew “I needed a break”.  It was not an issue of my being depressed.  I knew I wasn’t. I didn’t meet the criteria.  But please understand, in 6 years I had lost my husband, my father, and three very close girl friends…ALL of them key people in my world (AND this doesn’t count the 7 other deaths of family members in the past 6 ½ years).
9.  I simply needed the fish net of on-going grief that I seemed to be encircled in…CUT. 
10. At this point I then made a wise decision that I needed more change:   Maybe travel more?  Find a hobby?  Return to composing music?  Write a book?  Cut the symbolic chains in one area and possibly tighten the chains in other areas.  

It was one specific day while driving home, while listening to an inspirational speaker on the radio, that this speaker commented on God’s goodness.…as I vividly recall, my upper lip actually curled up slightly and I voiced a soft “Uhmph” sneer… all without anticipating my response at that moment.  I immediately realized I had seedlings of mistrust with a snarky attitude towards God.

I felt alarmed.  It was apparent I had come to another crossroads.  Continuous loss and grief and legitimate pain had obviously taken a toll on me.…add on to that the now-apparent build-up of hurt from the on-going deaths.  The tenderness I once had towards God seemed to be crushed.    I needed a refreshing revival of life. 

I made a conscious decision of break-through.  A deliberate out-of-my-norm.  Instead of going to my 2^nd cousin’s husband’s funeral on the given Saturday, I signed up and went to a weekend Seminar at a church in the South Willamette Valley.  Yes, I had a mild struggle with feeling guilty that I should’ve been at that funeral because no one was else would be there to represent our family.  

But, that weekend was paramount!! Maybe even a figurative do-or-die. I knew it before I went and I certainly knew it while being there.

I had taken a stand. A higher level of living had to become a higher priority. It had become the season to bring back a higher commitment towards life and spiritual growth.    

I could feel a large chain fall from me.  The process was already starting.

…yes, I’ll always cherish and miss Loren.   But I just can’t dry up into a withered soul. 

At more than 6 1/2 years out from losing my husband, the above prayer absolutely sums up what I need to journal/write.

This last Christmas was the 7th Christmas without Loren. O, how I struggled with #7. Starting November up through even now I have had a simmering low-degree turmoil about the soon arrival of Anniversary Year #7. I even Googled information about #7. It seems Christianity and most every other Religion finds meaning in 7.

Quote Google Search, “Number 7 is said to be one of 4 numbers that symbolize perfection or completion”. With my experience in the journey of Grief, perfection and completion simply cannot be true.

I certainly have come to a point of generalized rest from unrelenting sorrow. I certainly have arrived at the point of routine….living my (now) sometime-boring life because Loren kept me hopping with activity in every facet of our lives.

I have happy times and sad times, good vs bad times…..

…….the heart-wrenching fact, however, is I no longer have ecstatic moments. As I reminisce over memories since he’s passed…. of grandchildren’s births, traveling, friends, work, family, Holidays and all…I cannot recall ecstatic euphoric moments. As sad as it feels to ponder, I am thinking that will never happen without the thrill that comes from deep love.

And for me, my desire for deep love is still inter-connected with my undying love for Loren.

Lord, help me remember my life will always be a weaving together of good and bad. I know You ordain our steps so I believe You must have me exactly where I am to be.